He’s right. Leave his children well alone

DOM SAYS:

I FEEL quite strongly about this. It is evidently still a tricky time for your boyfriend, his ex-wife, his children and now for you.

I fully understand your feelings. After all, it does appear as though you are being kept in the wings, and this will not make you feel good about yourself and, understandably, about him either.

A divorce is rarely a success, especially when children are involved, and you say it is/was acrimonious. Having recently witnessed a bitter split, I can imagine there are still some harsh words flying around.

Teenagers are remarkably resilient on the surface, but deep down may well be struggling with all that is going on and already have enough to deal with. A missing parent can lead to all sorts of issues linked to self-worth.

I feel your boyfriend is being very protective of himself, his children and also you. A difficult choice to make, but I think he’s doing the right thing by you. It might appear that he’s being uncaring, but it’s entirely possible this is anything but.

I also think he’s doing the right thing for his children, too. Mid to late teens is a crucial stage. It’s very likely they will have been disturbed by the divorce, and if their parents haven’t been separated for too long then introducing a ‘new mother’ or ‘that woman’ into the mix could be very damaging indeed.

This is a tricky age for his children. And I think you should respect that. If you’re worried about his level of commitment then, fine, question that. But don’t worry about the children. Your boyfriend’s relationship with his children is — quite rightly — separate from his relationship with you. If I were you, I would concentrate on enjoying the time you have together — just the two of you.

Do you really want to deal with four — four! — stroppy teens who, let’s face it, are unlikely to be your biggest supporters? And do you really want to open yourself up to vitriol from his ex-wife?

You say the split was acrimonious — how do you think his ex is going to react to the news that there’s a new woman in town?

I’d say your boyfriend is also rather loath to give her any more ammunition to fire at him, and exposing you to his disgruntled former wife would likely do just that. Count your blessings and keep your own counsel.