Oh, the hurt when their heart belongs to daddy
For some mums, it’s the elephant in the room at this time of year: you do all of the hard work but STILL your little ones prefer their father...
AS SHE watches her daughter perched on daddy’s knee chatting animatedly about the toys she would like from Santa this year, Rachel Rawles admits that she can’t help but experience a pang of jealousy. The truth is that when it comes to fiveyear-old Amelia, Rachel often feels the outsider. ‘I know she doesn’t do it to hurt my feelings, but when she insists on sitting beside my husband Jack and not me, or she cries for him at bedtime when he’s working, I feel second best,’ confesses the 28-year-old student midwife. ‘I’d love to sit and help her write a letter to Father Christmas, but she only wants Daddy.
‘She doesn’t know it’s me who’s been traipsing round the shops buying things for her. A part of me wishes she knew how much effort I’m going to. She’s only tiny, but it’s hard feeling so unappreciated.’
We’re used to hearing about parents having a favourite child, however much they try to hide it. But Rachel is describing a less well-known family dynamic, and one that can be equally divisive — ‘favourite parent’ syndrome.
This is where parents are pitted against one another by their young charge in an uncomfortable popularity contest. The child singles out a favourite on whom to lavish their attention and for the one who’s cast aside, it’s hard to bear. Rachel
feels the sting of rejection especially keenly, she says, as a mother.
‘There have been times when I’ve wondered, “Does she love me?” ’ she says. ‘That’s a hard thought to have as a mother. My son Louis, who’s seven, has always been very close to me, and when I had a daughter, I just assumed it would be the same.’
So why do children often gravitate towards one parent over the other?
According to Dr Amanda Gummer, founder of child development website Fundamentally Children, it’s a biological instinct.
‘It’s very common, especially between the ages of two and five, for a child to form a very strong attachment to one parent. It’s instinctive for them to secure their survival by bonding with someone who will feed them, keep them warm and safe,’ she says.
‘It has nothing to do with their love, or one parent being “better” than the other. It’s much more superficial than that, although it can be hard for parents to recognise that.’
So, are little girls more likely to cling to their daddy? Dr Gummer says there are no hard and fast rules: ‘It may be the parent of the same sex, or the one they have more common interests with.’
Many children will attach to their primary caregiver — meaning that as increasing numbers of women work full-time outside the home, they risk having to accept they are not their child’s No1. However, according to Dr Gummer, some will choose the ‘celebrity’ parent — that is, the one who works or lives away from home, so has more novelty appeal.
But what of the parents’ feelings, and the strain this favouritism places on family life? ‘Young children are by nature very egocentric, and they lack the empathy to understand that their behaviour can be very upsetting for the rejected parent,’ says Dr Gummer. ‘Both parents may feel frustrated, envious or guilty — none of which is healthy for a relationship. It’s vital to understand that this is a phase which is highly likely to pass.
‘The rejected parent must be consistent, and keep letting the child know they love them and want to spend time with them. And the favourite parent must draw boundaries, insisting the child spends time with the other parent, too.
‘The more parents can act as a family unit, the better. Most importantly, don’t take it personally. Little children can wield a surprising amount of emotional power, but they’re fickle and you could soon find yourself on the other side!’
But it’s not solely in the early years that children can form a closer relationship with one parent over the other. It can also happen in the teenage years, though for different reasons says Dr Gummer.
‘Relatability is key at that age so if teenagers share hobbies, or even career aspirations, and feel that a particular parent “gets” them, as opposed to a parent who they are fighting against on the usual teenage issues, that may be a contributor to them growing closer to one over the other,’ he adds.
If mums are providing the bulk of day-today childcare, as so many do, they may end up bearing the brunt of a teenager’s rebellion. The tension these complicated family dynamics can cause is never more noticeable than at this time of year.
Family psychologist Silja Litvin says: ‘We have such high expectations of Christmas. We’re all prisoners of the narrative that we should have a perfect family celebration with no tensions or worries. When reality doesn’t live up to that expectation, we’re left disappointed, dissatisfied and hurt.
‘With parents off work, and children off school, families are often together 24/7 and that creates a heightened awareness of relationships and connections,’ adds Silja Litvin, creator of eQuoo — an online game that teaches players psychological skills to help them deal with stressful situations.
She says: ‘There’s more time to observe family interactions and reflect without distractions, and it can be difficult to face the fact your relationship with your child isn’t as close as you’d like.’
So, how does it feel when it happens to you? We hear from two mothers facing Christmas with children who always long for daddy (and one dad who’s on the other side of the equation) . . .
‘WINNING AMELIA’S AFFECTION IS MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION’
RACHEL RAWLES, 28, is a student midwife. She lives with her husband Jack, 31, a senior manager, and children Louis, seven, and Amelia, five — who is a daddy’s girl. She says:
RACHEL SAYS: We all have romantic notions about Christmas — you want everything to be perfect. But children don’t know that, and when you’re not their favourite parent it can feel harder to bear than usual.
I grew up adoring my father. But since becoming a mum myself — and watching Amelia gravitate towards my husband, it’s really opened my eyes to what that must have been like for my mum.
It’s awful when you’re pushed away by your own child. Amelia will instinctively turn to Jack if she wants someone to plait her hair or play dolls with her. Watching them, I feel such a pang of sadness because I wish it was me.
At times I feel redundant. I know she doesn’t do it to hurt my feelings, but when she insists on sitting beside Jack and not me when we go out as a family, or she cries for him at bedtime when he’s working, I feel second best. Luckily, Jack is great at reassuring me this isn’t down to me not being a good enough mum.
Amelia was one when I went back to university to study midwifery. With me busy learning and working shifts, Jack — who works from home — became her primary carer and now he’s the only one she turns to.
Understanding how she became so devoted to him doesn’t make it easier for me, though.
When Louis was younger, I worked part-time so I spent longer with him and he is much more balanced with his affection, wanting Jack and I equally. I really savour his cuddles and love it when he seeks me out to play with him, but I wish Amelia wanted me in the same way. We joke about what Jack will do if she comes to him for advice when she hits puberty, but it may well be what happens.
However, I’ve realised that things will only change if I put a lot of effort in. When I have time off work over Christmas, I’m planning to be proactive and spend lots of one-on-one time with Amelia.
It’s also my New Year’s resolution — it’s the thing in my life I want to change most! I don’t want to wait for her to change, and regret the time that’s passing.
She’s only a child, so I feel it’s down to me to bring us closer together.
JACK SAYS: When Rachel gets upset and says Amelia doesn’t love her, I tell her not to be silly, it’s just a phase. But honestly, I can understand why she feels that way.
It’s amazing to feel so wanted and appreciated by my daughter. I can name all the Disney princesses, dress dolls and sing along to Frozen. Just some of the hallmarks of being the father of a daddy’s girl!
To be your child’s No1 person is really special. But it can also be
I try not to dwell on it, but it’s hard not being your own child’s confidante and not being able to share in all of the excitement of a family Christmas with them One-sided: Neeraj and Renu Bhardwaj with their children Ariyah and Arran
draining. When I’m working in my home office and I hear Amelia crying because she wants me to sit with her at lunch, not Rachel, I feel guilty but also sorry for Rachel trying to manage the situation.
Our little boy, Louis, is more balanced with his love and attention. Rachel worked parttime when he was younger so was home more, and he had our undivided attention.
I think, at times, Amelia seeks that intense attention out from me because she’s a second child.
‘HE WOULDN’T TELL ME WHAT HE WANTED FROM SANTA CLAUS’
RENU BHARDWAJ, 38, is an account manager. She lives with her husband Neeraj, 39, who works in IT, and children Ariyah, three, and five-year-old Arran — who is a daddy’s boy. She says: RENU SAYS: The three words I hear most are: ‘I want Daddy.’ From breakfast to bedtime, Arran only wants my husband. Before I started my Christmas shopping, I had to ask Neeraj what Arran wanted from Santa. I’d already asked him myself, but knew he was more likely to confide in his dad in more detail. I try not to dwell on it, but it’s hard not being your child’s confidante and not being able to share in the excitement of Christmas with them.
I’ve had to accept that, for now, he’s a daddy’s boy through and through, and although it’s tricky feeling rejected, I work hard to try and win him over so it’s not this way for ever.
It started after our daughter was born in 2015. I was breastfeeding and she needed a lot of my attention, so unsurprisingly Arran and Neeraj grew even closer.
As their bond deepened, Arran sought me out less. Looking back, I think Arran saw I was less ‘available’, and while I knew it was just short-term while the baby was tiny, he didn’t.
Now I feel we’re stuck in what I’d hoped was a passing phase. If Neeraj is working late and Arran realises it’s ‘just’ me, he gets upset and asks constantly when Daddy is coming home. It’s exhausting trying to stay positive, when inside I’m hurt that I’m not enough for him. If Arran is bold and I scold him, he asks me not to tell Daddy — he cares more about disappointing him than me.
Maybe unsurprisingly, Ariyah is a mummy’s girl. Subconsciously I think that I’ve made her ‘mine’ because Neeraj has Arran, and I’ve had more time to lavish her with attention.
I realise that just perpetuates the divide in the house, but sometimes it’s easier for me to deal with her and Neeraj with Arran, to keep the peace.
Recently, though, I went away on a mini-break with friends, and to my surprise Arran really missed me, which gave me hope that we’ll get through this phase.
NEERAJ SAYS: Every father wants a daddy’s boy, it’s what you dream of when you have a son. But the truth is, it’s a dynamic that comes with pros and cons.
I love our closeness and all the cuddles — I call Arran my little shadow. And when he first grew incredibly close to me, after Ariyah was born, I was thrilled. Not just because it felt wonderful to have such a bond with him, but it meant I could look after him and let Renu rest and focus on the new baby. It gave me a role, and her some respite.
But now when we’re having fun together, I feel guilty because I know that Renu would love to be in my position.
It’s also exhausting because Arran always demands my attention — so much so that it’s hard for me to have one-on-one time with Ariyah. I have to tell Arran it’s ‘Daddy and Ariyah’ time, but he doesn’t always like to hear that because he can be possessive.
I don’t want my relationship with him to come at the cost of my bond with her, and sometimes I do feel she misses out on my attention. I encourage Arran to see his mum as equally important. If he comes to my side of the bed in the morning for a cuddle, I tell him to hug her, too.