Both our families shun us at Christmas
DEAR BEL THIS is something that troubles me more each year and overshadows Christmas — a time when families come together. But not ours.
My husband and I have invited various members of our families to visit at Christmas but they all have other things they’d rather do. This includes spending time with friends and relaxing at home. I understand, especially when there are little ones involved, but each year it hurts more.
Not only do they make it plain that they aren’t coming to us, they don’t invite us to theirs.
I’m sure they just think the two of us are OK (which we are really) and don’t intend to hurt. This is my son and his family, but also my husband’s sister — and even my 90year-old dad says he’d rather spend Christmas on his own! I made sure I invited everyone early this year, but to no avail.
I don’t want to come across as needy, but I’d love to organise a big family get-together or even just see some of them for an hour. They all live close by.
I never say how let down I feel and my husband just accepts it. The two of us do have a nice time together and we are so lucky to have each other that I know I must count my blessings. But what are we doing wrong? SHIRLEY
THE gap between expectation and reality is painful — and I sympathise. Yet when I read ‘a time when families come together,’ a little part of me wants to utter a doleful version of the pantomime riposte: ‘Oh no they don’t.’
The glorious, golden festive illusion of the season gives us families around the groaning board, the generations all together, the mood warm and loving, the atmosphere as perfectly orchestrated as a John Lewis advertisement. But, of course, it is not always like that.
Yes, it is for some lucky people (and I gratefully count myself among them), but not for all. Some might say the ideal image only applies to a minority, but how can we know? It’s enough to know you dream of textbook family warmth — and are always disappointed.
What’s to be done? Nothing, I’m afraid. You have issued invitations in good time, and yet they don’t want to visit.
Your dad surprises me, but he is presumably happy with his TV. If he wasn’t, he would need you, wouldn’t he?
The truth is, not everybody wants to make a big thing of Christmas — and so your husband is wise to shrug, accept and hunker down cosily with you.
But it occurs to me that next year you might change your plans. You could go away, or you could research a charity that puts on a Christmas Day celebration for the homeless, the old or the sick — and go to help.
It would only take a few hours, but you and your husband would be together and I bet it would make you feel great.
You could let the family know you’ll be busy — and not mention a get-together at all.
If you can’t get what you want, it’s wise to create a new ‘want’ to strive for — and yours could be sharing something new and good with the one you love. And that way, spreading the love.