Amid the haze of Rugby World Cup glory, Ireland will be beset by an avocado drought... and rain
WITH the new year just around the corner, Ireland faces challenges and opportunities in equal measure. Rummaging around the attic earlier in the week looking for decorations for my last-minute Christmas tree, I opened an old wooden chest and found a crystal ball – and while rubbing it clean, a series of visions floated in front of me. And here’s what they told me about what 2019 has in store for us all…
CLOCKING OFF
AS the European Union cancels Daylight Saving Time, the UK decides not to follow suit – ‘Brexit means Brexit and all that,’ people mutter between yawns – and Northern Ireland suddenly is an hour behind Ireland. DUP top brass say they don’t care because for them it’s still only 1957 anyway.
BYE BYE, BEEB
ANOTHER unforeseen consequence of Brexit, to add to the many thousands we’ve already discovered, is that there’s no guarantee the main BBC channels still will be available in Ireland. In a pre-emptive strike, UTV did a runner years ago and the only thing anyone missed was Julian during the Coronation Street ad breaks. Losing the BBC is an entirely different matter, as mammies will suddenly realise when they have nothing to watch on Saturday nights from September to Christmas.
KEY ON THE FLOOR
VIRGIN Media’s new reality TV series will pit families against each other as they enter a roped-off ring on the roundabout at Ballymount and wrestle each other for the key to the only affordable house built in Dublin in 2019. The losers will be allowed chase them along the M50 to steal the key back, while also trying to avoid getting stuck behind a brokendown lorry at the Blanchardstown exit and dodging the queue on the off-ramp at Ikea.
IT’S ALL GONE PEAR-SHAPED
A WORLDWIDE shortage of avocados strikes terror into the heart of Stoneybatter and Montenotte and a black market develops on street corners. Gardaí report a record number of arrests of people carrying Ziploc bags of smashed green fruit and brown toast. A detox centre is set up on Oxmantown Road, serving lightly pummelled kiwis, though opponents say it merely is a gateway fruit and could lead to cravings for the real thing.
GREEN WITH JEALOUSY
TALKING of lightly pummelled Kiwis, the All Blacks go into a sulk when Ireland sneak past them to win the Rugby World Cup in Japan. Men who themselves are the shape of rugby balls squeeze into tight Lycra tops and weep openly on the streets. The entire country goes on the batter and wakes up in the middle of 2021. Johnny Sexton buys two Bernese puppies in preparation for 2025. ‘The Áras would seem like an awfully big house with no dogs,’ he explains.
LES TROIS AMIS
AT an international summit, Leo Varadkar, Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron hold a sidebar meeting but become distracted when comparing socks and looking adoringly at each other, emerging days later to find everyone else has gone home. Madame Macron scolds them and gives them extra homework, and says they can’t have tea until they’ve finished.
THE ANNUAL VOTE
IRELAND holds a referendum to decide whether or not we should hold any more referendums. Eventually, everyone decides we always should hold the second referendum first, to get the result the Government wanted and spare us the bother of voting twice. In a Supreme Court challenge to the result, a Mr A Looney blocks the will of the people for six months, saying we didn’t know what we were voting for, even though we did.
IT’S OUR BREAD AND BUTTER
FOR two weeks at the start of March, Ireland abandons the euro and makes Brennans bread the official currency for the duration of the blizzard. In Stoneybatter, it will cost three Brennans sliced pans for a single avocado. By October, Met Éireann runs out of human names for storms and starts naming them after Disney characters. In December, Storm Goofy wreaks havoc because no-one took it seriously.
SINGING THE BLUES
DUBLIN win their fifth All-Ireland Senior Football Championship in a row. In retaliation, busloads of angry supporters from rival counties storm Coppers just after the final whistle and occupy it to make sure no-one can celebrate, but leave in a daze after Nathan Carter’s Wagon Wheel is played on repeat. ‘I enjoyed it up to the 46th time, but 47 was pushing it, even for me,’ said Tadgh O’Connell, 23, from Roscommon as he was escorted sobbing from the building and placed in a waiting ambulance.
BROLLY GOOD
AT the dedication ceremony for the first 115-mile stretch of his border wall, Donald Trump wrestles with an umbrella in driving rain and high winds. Unable to close it, he is lifted off the ground and carried high into the air before landing in Mexico, where he promptly is arrested as an illegal immigrant. Much to the joy of the rest of the world, he loses his phone mid-flight, and cannot tweet for a month, thereby delaying the start of World War III until December. Everyone in Ireland asks the combatants to keep the noise down because we’re all still in bed chewing Solpadeine after winning the Rugby World Cup.
SUMMER LOVIN’
FOLLOWING the amazing summer of 2018, everyone decides to cancel the annual fortnight on the Costas and stay home instead. There’s not a hint of sunshine by May, so everyone books that annual fortnight on the Costas for twice the price they would have paid in January. While they’re away, they check the temperature back home and it’s heading for 30C. The day they get back, it’s raining.
THE SOUND OF SILENCE
AFTER Plus, Multiply and Divide, Ed Sheeran takes things to their logical conclusion and releases Subtract, which has no songs on it at all. Grateful non-fans make it the most streamed album of all time. ‘Have you heard Ed Sheeran’s new one?’ they ask through helpless laughter. ‘No, neither has anyone, thank God.’
GOODBYE AGAIN
FAMOUS people will die. Lots of us will say: ‘I thought he died years ago.’ On the anniversary of a previous death, Twitter will report it as if the person died just five minutes ago. Hundreds will tweet to say what an important part of their life the dead person was, even though they never noticed when he actually died in 2011. People who are still alive will be reported dead, and will have to tweet they haven’t passed away at all. When they do actually die, all anyone will talk about is the time they didn’t. This is our world now.
JUST IN CASEY
DESPITE the fact there is no election and no vacancy, Peter Casey announces he will run in seven constituencies and be Taoiseach afterwards. Everyone smiles and says, ‘Ah, sure that’s just Peter.’
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
IN a surprise move, the Government has a solution to the housing crisis – it will build more houses. Thousands of them.
Actually, no, wait. That last one is just too mad, even for a crystal ball…