He’s every inch a fool, but lucky for him he’s not very tall
Success in life takes more than top marks in the Leaving. Can you match the stars to these withering school report comments?
HE went on to become one of the titans of 20th-century literature. But when the young William Butler Yeats was a child at the Church of Ireland-run High School in Rathgar in Dublin, in the late 1870s, his report card witheringly judged him: ‘Only fair. Perhaps better in Latin than in any other subject. Very poor in spelling.’
The Nobel-prize winning author of Easter, 1916 and The Lake Isle of Innisfree is now considered one of the last century’s greatest poets. But he wasn’t the only high achiever whose talents were cruelly underestimated in their tender years.
The Uppingham School ‘beaks’ in England’s East Midlands, who taught a young Stephen Fry to conjugate Latin verbs, didn’t seem to have faintest clue that this spotty youth might mature into a treasured public intellectual.
‘He has glaring faults, and they have certainly glared at us this term,’ was their short, sharp take on the idle and apparently rather disruptive pupil.
The prim headmistress who oversaw the education of author Jilly Cooper at the swanky Godolphin school in Salisbury was similarly blind-sided to her subsequent success. ‘Jilly has set herself an exceedingly low standard, which she has failed to maintain,’ read her end-of-term report. She went on to write more than 40 bestselling books, amassing a small fortune and two honorary doctorates in the process.
Like many high-achievers, Fry and Cooper have spoken of being motivated, in later life, to prove wrong the teachers who wrote their withering character assessments. Were they born today, there’s a good chance such inspiration would be lacking.
The reason? Today’s pampered young people, who have apparently spent their entire lives being told they are brilliant, are unable to take criticism, say many teachers. As a result, sometimes teachers feel inclined to deliberately tone down their prose.
Which all bodes ill for the future. For had this regrettable state of affairs existed in years gone by, a raft of household names might never have got the kick up the backside they richly deserved.
So, to mark the demise of the school report, can you match these scathing assessments with the future high-achievers who inspired them?
1. ‘He is rebellious, objectionable, idle, imbecilic, inefficient, antagonising, untidy, lunatic, albino, conceited, inflated, impertinent, underhand, lazy and smug.’
A) Piers Morgan B) Bono C) Robbie Savage D) Michael Heseltine
2. ‘His essays continue to suffer from ingrained grammatical faults, particularly in punctuation . . . Stubbornness is in his nature and could be an asset when directed to sound ends. But his flying off the handle will only mar his efforts.’
A) Geoffrey Boycott B) John Prescott C) Donald Trump D) Jeremy Paxman
3. ‘He has no ambition . . . He is a constant trouble to everybody and is always in some scrape or other. He cannot be trusted to behave . . . ’
A) Charles Darwin B) Winston Churchill C) Ranulph Fiennes D) Simon Cowell
4. ‘Idle and inattentive . . . without any particular distinction.’
A) David Cameron B) Sarah Ferguson C) Isaac Newton D) Charlie Haughey
5. ‘She writes indifferently and knows nothing of grammar, geography, history or accomplishments.’
A) Charlotte Brontë B) George Eliot C) Sylvia Plath D) J. K. Rowling
6. ‘He ought to be humble enough to realise that he is the bottom boy in the lowest stream, and that this is certainly not the right place for a boy of his ability.’
A) David Attenborough B) Jon Snow C) Brian Cox D) James Corden
7. ‘He has learned nothing and never will do anything in decent style.’
A) Patrick Moore B) Charles Dickens C) Ludwig Van Beethoven D) Hugh Grant
8. ‘He will never amount to anything.’
A) John F. Kennedy B) Gandhi C) Albert Einstein D) Bill Gates
9. ‘An indolent and illiterate member of the class. A persistent muddler. Vocabulary negligible, sentences mal-constructed . . . reminds me of a camel.’
A) Paris Hilton B) Roald Dahl C) Jeffrey Archer D) Claudia Winkleman
10. ‘I predict he will either go to prison or become a millionaire.’
A) Richard Branson B) Alan Sugar C) Bernie Madoff D) Robert Maxwell
11. ‘With so much in her favour, the student is hampered by the weakness of her voice .. . . If she does not work on her projection, it will be “the films” for her and that would be such a pity!’
A) Helen Mirren B) Meryl Streep C) Judi Dench D) Joan Collins
12. ‘Only fair. Perhaps better in Latin than in any other subject. Very poor in spelling.’
A) Boris Johnson B) WB Yeats C) Patrick Kavanagh D) Lewis Carroll
13. ‘Though her written work is the product of an obviously lively imagination, it’s a pity that her spelling derives from the same source.’
A) Barbara Cartland B) Victoria Wood C) Beryl Bainbridge D) Pam Ayres
14. ‘A quiet student who needs to stop playing with his motorcycles and learn that music will not make him a liveable wage.’
A) David Bowie B) Mick Jagger C) Robert Plant D) Meatloaf
15. ‘Has the most distorted ideas about wit and humour: draws over his books and examination papers in the most distressing way and writes foolish rhymes in other people’s books.’
A) Oscar Wilde B) P G Wodehouse C) Spike Milligan D) John Cleese
16. ‘The boy is every inch a fool, but luckily for him he’s not very tall.’
A) Woody Allen B) Dudley Moore C) Norman Wisdom D) Bob Hoskins
17. ‘He must devote less of his time to sport if he wants to be a success. His academic work is handicapped by his excessive juvenility . . .
A) Gary Lineker B) David Beckham C) Bobby Moore D) Paul Gascoigne
18. ‘She can be quarrelsome. She must try to be less emotional in her dealings with others.’
A) Mary Robinson B) Margaret Thatcher C) Princess Diana D) Emmeline Pankhurst
19. ‘Certainly on the road to failure . . . hopeless . . . rather a clown in class, wasting other pupils’ time . . . [However] I believe he is not beyond redemption and could really turn out a fairly responsible adult.’
A) Jimmy Carr B) John Lennon C) Bruce Forsyth D) Shane MacGowan
20. ‘I hate to say this, but this boy will never get anywhere in life.’
A) Edward Heath B) Paul McCartney C) Eric Morecambe D) Field Marshal Lord Montgomery
ANSWERS:
1: D. 2: D. 3: B. 4: C. 5: A. 6: B. 7: C. 8: C. 9: B. 10: A. 11: D. 12: B. 13: C. 14: A. 15: B. 16: C. 17: A. 18: C. 19: B. 20: C.