She has seen the future, so here is... OLD HOOR’S ALMANAC
AFTER Miggle D Giggles becomes the most popular toy of last Christmas, a new toy, Peter D Casey is launched for this year’s market. Like Barbie, he has unrealistic goals and his own caravan. IN January, Victoria Clarke and Shane MacGowan return their unwanted wedding gifts to Brown Thomas. It turns out they already have enough sandwich toasters. NOT to be outdone by her glamorous sister-in-law, Kate Middleton also reveals that she is pregnant. As a peace offering, and because apparently she likes that sort of thing, Meghan Markle gives Kate her baby daughter’s hand-me-downs – but they don’t suit the Cambridge circus children as they come from the 21st century and not Victorian times. UNA HEALY represents Ireland at the Eurovision Song Contest in Israel, and finishes a creditable seventh. Of the seven nations who chose not to boycott the contest. MARY Lou McDonald hires a PR consultant to soften her image in time for the next general election. An hour later she fires the consultant for sitting in the wrong seat in her office. The PR consultant announces that she is suing the Sinn Féin leader for breach of contract. Mary Lou responds that she couldn’t give a flying f***. THE cast of Fair City announce they are to stand in the European elections. The campaign slogan? Quando Quando Mondo. TWINK and Rory Cowan resolve their differences and decide to turn them into a reality television show for Virgin Media. The show focuses on the panto veterans’ fascinating relationships and long careers. It’s called It’s Behind You. SONGWRITER Brendan Graham’s iconic song, You Raise Me Up, is banned by several radio stations for containing the line ‘You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains’ without any reference to the safety equipment required for such an expedition. Graham is arrested. CONOR McGregor is not arrested. Which seems extraordinary, but there you go. STAFF working in the RTÉ newsroom are issued with hard hats and high-viz vests as the risk of overheated arguments and flying objects remains high. MARK Wahlberg releases details of his revised daily schedule, which features an hour-long Krispy Kreme doughnut break between 3am and 4am. SEVERAL months after missing its deadline, Brexit finally happens in September. In spite of everything, a hard border IRELAND makes the final of the Rugby World Cup but the team is beaten by a resurgent All Blacks side. Later, blame for Ireland’s defeat is laid at the feet of Jake Carter, who performed an Irish haka in spite of not being Irish. Or anything, really. IN anticipation of a general election, Paschal Donohoe announces a giveaway budget in October. Among the items he intends to give away are the health service and the housing crisis. To Fianna Fáil. THE cost of the National Children’s Hospital becomes visible from space. A DRONE causes chaos at Dublin Airport but is eventually brought down to earth when the army fires some hares at it. BRIAN McFadden enjoys a bumper year as his new reality show, Wait! Which One Was I Married To?, featuring strong supporting roles from Vogue Williams, Kerry Katona and Delta Goodrem, proves the year’s biggest hit. KIM Kardashian announces that she is getting an extension on her bottom. AFTER unimpressive viewing figures for Taken Down, the Love/Hate team begin work on a new drama, provisionally called Crawling Back. It features mindless violence, loads of drugs and the Minister for Housing’s hot brother in the nude. VIRGIN Media hire an interpreter for soccer pundit Brian Kerr – mainly so his fellow panellists can understand what he’s saying. MICK McCarthy’s new reign as Born Again Irish Manager gets off to a bumpy start when Declan Rice agrees to play for the Boys In Green but then fails to show for the first game because he’s just remembered he left the iron on. MAIA Dunphy and Johnny Vegas launch a legal campaign to have their wedding anniversary recalibrated to take account of a year off for good behaviour. DENTISTS the world over try to capitalise on the ‘flossing’ dance craze by distributing the teeth-cleaning string at music festivals. Unfortunately, by the time Electric Picnic comes around, a new dance craze has emerged. It’s called Dossing. We Irish are surprisingly good at it. KYLIE Minogue invites Leo Varadkar to dinner. The Government collapses.