Pack up the tinsel and tell him now!

STEPH SAYS:

JANUARY isn’t called ‘divorce month’ for nothing. Lawyers brace themselves for an almost 30 per cent rise in divorce instructions as soon as New Year celebrations are over.

And my advice to you, similarly, is don’t delay. Once the champagne bottles are cleared away and the tinsel packed up, sit him down and tell him now is the time to broach the thorny subject of your marriage.

My guess is the children are well aware of your problems. It sounds a fairly friendless, as well as loveless, relationship and the kids will be expecting you to announce a split. I don’t think you have to worry about them right now — your biggest focus should be on you.

Incidentally, I don’t dismiss 27 years of marriage lightly. It’s an achievement to be respected and celebrated, and I’m sorry it turned so sour in the end.

You don’t say how old your husband is, but you were young when you wed — perhaps too young — and it’s entirely possible you’ve just grown apart with the years. That’s no one’s fault.

But now you must be brave enough to end it. I can hear the frustration in your letter, that sense of being trapped and confused.

You say it was your understanding that with the children gone and your duty done, you’d go your separate ways, so I assume you and your husband have discussed it in the past.

Well, he won’t have forgotten such a momentous decision, even if he’s pretending he has. I would treat the matter as agreed in principle. The conversation you now need to have is about the practical arrangements —

how you end the marriage, not whether you end it.

On this, be resolute, unemotional and very clear. Don’t let even a sliver of doubt or hope enter his mind.

I’m sorry if that sounds cruel, but it really isn’t. He needs to know that now is your time. You’ve brought up three children — his children — and done a brilliant job of it. Your youngest is off to university and now you need to start your new life, too.

One thought. Men don’t like change and if you have always managed everything to do with the family and the house, he will hate the idea of suddenly having to cope alone. Be aware that he might well rush out and find another woman to do it all for him, but don’t let this soften your resolve one bit.

My advice is to take today and tomorrow to get over the party season and practice the words you will use when you have this very difficult conversation. And then do it: 2019 is for you.