Put your marriage out of its misery

DOM SAYS:

THIS is a terribly sad situation. First, I’m never sure ‘staying together for the sake of the children’ is the right thing.

Frankly, it prolongs the agony, and even if they don’t witness the arguments themselves, they will pick up on the ‘horrible atmosphere’ you describe.

But you know them best and did what you judged was right for them. Now they’ve flown the nest, you want to put your marriage out of its misery at last.

The conversation you must have with your husband is going to be hideous — there are no two ways about that — but if you approach it gently, with kindness and respect, it needn’t tear you both apart.

The key to this, I think, is getting him to understand how unhappy you really are. Once he fully grasps that, I am sure he will see the sense in the split.

No one wants to be in a relationship where one half is miserable, after all. No one wants a spouse who is constantly looking for the exit.

Besides, no matter how good a job he’s doing of burying his head in the sand, I bet, deep down, he’s not happy either.

You’ve been married for more than half your life, but you are still both relatively young and there’s no point in being unhappy when you still have so much life to live and happiness to find.

Tell him that you have a chance to put it right and both enjoy another 30 years of something new. There is a whole second act waiting for you, full of romance, if that’s what you want, or adventure, or self-discovery.

Yes, his heart will be broken, but perhaps, too, he’ll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel that you’re already running towards. However, you must also try very hard to see things from his point of view. It seems to me divorce will be a natural step for you, but to him it might well be a huge and terrifying leap.

Think practically and don’t be afraid to support him as you separate. Can he cook? Does he know how to do his laundry?

He’ll need to learn, but you can help him. You share three children, and though they’re grown up, you will still need to communicate with each other and see each other occasionally. You stayed together for the children’s sake. Now stay friends for their sake, too.

I’d also advise that you be the one to leave the family home, at least until it’s sold (if that’s the best financial plan for you both). You’re the one instigating the break. You can’t expect him to be the one to pack the bag.

I do hope that it all works out for you.