We will never know why our son took his own life
IT WAS six years ago on New Year’s Eve that we lost our darling Andrew and life has never been the same since. In fact, this time of the year gets harder and harder.
We are not alone in our loss. There are many families that have lost loved ones at this time of the year all over Ireland in various circumstances, indeed, all over the world.
Time does not heal — it gives you space to get used to a ‘new’ normal. We remember our darling Andrew on December 27 every year, as that is the date he decided to leave us — the day I found him. We never got any warning, no sign at all there was anything wrong or that he was anything other than his usual happy-go-lucky self, always smiling and always up to mischief.
We had Andrew included in a lovely Mass in St Mary’s Church in Westport last week. Thank you, Father Charlie. One thing the priest said was that the loss of a child is something no one should ever have to endure. You never get over such a loss — you do your best, but you never accept it. We know now he had already departed when I found him. But as a mother first and foremost and a first-aider second, you have to do your best.
I never thought in all the years I did the exams to refresh my skills that I would need to use them on my only son. It was my absolute refusal to let him go and I kept going until — with the help of the paramedics who arrived on the scene — that resulted in us getting a heartbeat and transferring Andrew to hospital.
I honestly thought at that stage that he would be getting up and walking out of Tallaght ICU in a matter of days and he would be grand in a matter of time. Andrew wanted to do mechanical engineering in IT Carlow. He had his whole life planned and was so excited at the prospect of finishing school and being able to drive on the open road. He had booked his driving theory test on December 28, the next day. He was also to collect a Ginetta Trophy for his rally driving skills.
WE will never know why he made the decision to end his own life. I often wonder if somebody knows why he wanted to die and if some day they will tell me. Little did I or any of us know what a difference that fateful day would make to our lives. The team at Tallaght Hospital were so good and so thoughtful. I remember the hospital shop turning the papers around the day it broke in the news as a mark of respect.
Andrew’s headstone says March 26, 1996 to December 31, 2012. We had three days waiting for Andrew to wake up. However, we were told he was brain dead on New Years’ Eve and we had already discussed organ donation in the event of him not waking up. Derry, Sarah May and I handed our beautiful son over to the transplant team at 10pm on December 31, 2012.
We offered them whatever they could use, but we would not allow organs to be removed for research. Andrew was a rare blood type — AB positive — and although they found donors for his liver and kidneys, they could not use his heart and lungs.
It is amazing what you learn when you do not want to. We were told that you can transfer a smaller heart into a larger person, but that you cannot transfer a larger heart and lungs into a small person. Hence our 6ft 5.5in baby’s heart stayed with him as a suitable donor could not be found during the holidays.
In 2018, there was a large dip in the amount of organ donations, compared to 2017. If the new legislation that has been discussed for the past few years finally gets the green light, this should change immediately.
The proposed new law states that everyone will be considered a ‘donor’ unless they have previously opted out or their families have a particular objection to their organs be donated. Why would anyone object? This is very much needed. When you die your organs are of no use to you any more, so why not let them be used by someone who desperately needs them?
I have made a list of things I want done when I die, and the first one on that list is that if any of my organs — including eyes, heart, liver, kidneys and so on — are of any use to anyone else, please take them and donate them.
We got a lovely letter three years after Andrew died from a man aged 50-plus, who had received one of his kidneys.
He had been a rare blood type like Andrew and he told us he never thought he would ever find a suitable donor as he had been on the list for some seven years. He told us that he had to have dialysis three times per week. His work time was limited and he could never organise holidays away with his wife and family.
Three years on, his life had changed so much for the better. He told us that he had just had a wonderful holiday — the first that he had in 10 years — and how he was fighting fit and so much healthier. He thanked us for the gift of life we had given him through our decision to donate our son’s organs. His heartfelt letter was so uplifting for us, knowing that, from the devastation of us losing our son, someone had another chance to live a full life.
All donations are anonymous and we don’t know how the other donor recipients are doing but we hope they are all as well and happy as the man who took the time to write to us through the Irish Kidney Association (IKA) to say a very big thank you.
To become an organ donor all you have to do is ask for a card at your local pharmacy. Alternatively, you can sign the back of your driving licence or you can call the Irish Kidney Association at lo-call 1890 543649 or email
donor@ika.ie. It is so simple. Whether or not the new legislation is passed, please do consider these options and remember you may help someone to continue living when you die.
IWISH you all a very happy and healthy New Year. May you enjoy happiness and joy in whatever form it comes. Remember that we are not here on this earth for a long time and we should make the most of what we have.
If you are feeling low or depressed, especially at this time of year, then please seek the help you need. Talk to your family and friends. Don’t be on your own.
If you are grieving for a loved one, be kind to yourself. Take time to remember the good times you shared together and all the happiness they brought to your lives — in our case the wonderful 16 years we had with our baby boy. Memories are all we have left of him.
Love is precious and we should remember that every single day. Cherish your family and friends and remember that we are all human and prone to mistakes. Forgiveness is a virtue that it has taken me years to comprehend. The joys of getting older! Live long and prosper. Happy New Year to you all.