MAGAZINE femail FEMAIL MAGAZINE How I became a better, happier person and you can too

Modern life’s making us miserable, says RUBY WAX. But in an inspiring new book she reveals how to banish the devil on your shoulder and feel truly human again in 2019

WHEN you consider the astonishing amount of technology we have at our fingertips, it’s hard to imagine a more exciting time to be alive.

We’re hyper-connected, need never be bored and can deal with most everyday tasks via a few clicks on our mobile phones. You’d think we’d be joyfully wallowing in this app-fuelled utopia, living easier and more fulfilling lives than ever before.

And yet the opposite is true. Depression, anxiety and an insidious sense of not being good enough have become behemoths of the 21st century consciousness, while happiness has never felt further from our grasp. How can that be? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself, and various experts, for years now, having made no secret of my own intermittent struggles with mental ill health.

I’ve concluded that the answer lies in how we’ve forgotten to be the very thing that separates us from the technology that enthrals us: human. Being human means we’re predisposed to act, feel and think in very particular ways, many of which don’t sit so well in the modern world.

Our brains run on an operating system that is hundreds of thousands of years old — there’s no convenient upgrade to optimise our thoughts and feelings for the frenetic way we live today.

So we feel permanently frazzled —

unable to fully switch off from work because the office follows us home, while social media images of everyone else’s perfect lives make our own feel somehow lacking.

Increasingly, we’re also lonely because our social interactions take place in cyberspace instead of face-to-face.

And yet every time our phones ping with another text, email, or news alert our brain’s reward centres light up, so technology keeps us hooked.

As a result we know we’re unhappy, but we can’t pinpoint why.

And so as the New Year rolls around again we resolve to make changes — but not the right ones.

We vow to do more of this, less of that, certain we’ll become slimmer, fitter and more successful as a result. But who do you know who’s ever managed to keep their New Year’s resolutions for more than a few weeks? That’s because they’re usually based on aiming for perfection.

We forget we’re ‘only human’, and it’s just not in our nature to act like flawless, digitally optimised robots. It’s just another way we try to ignore our nature.

Personally, I don’t ever make New Year’s resolutions because I don’t want to end up letting myself down.

But, this year, I am vowing to fight back against the pressures of modern life, to try to create an upgrade for my brain that really works.

To do so, we must first understand who we really are, the ways our human body and brain prompt us to feel and act — and why they can let us down when faced with modern technology.

My latest book How To Be Human: The Manual shares my journey back to the origins of how our minds work.

Along the way, I spoke to experts — including Buddhist monk Gelong Thubten and neuroscientist Ash Ranpura — to create a manual for how to help our primitive brains handle the digital world.

So instead of trying to be inhumanly perfect in the year ahead, let’s work harder to truly grasp what it means to be us.

I’m certain it will make us not only happier, but better, kinder and more understanding people. Here’s my guide to how to be more human in 2019 . . .

HEAR THAT NEGATIVE VOICE AND ANSWER IT

HOW much time do you spend trying to ignore that nagging inner voice that tells you you’re not good enough? How did Mother Nature come up with something so unpleasant?

It’s a hard, cold fact that evolution couldn’t care less about your happiness — its only concern is that you survive long enough to reproduce.

We evolved to expect the worst as a means of survival, because it made our ancient ancestors run away when facing really sticky situations. Today, it manifests as the negative thoughts that fuel self-doubt.

I’m most likely to be floored by it when I meet someone clever — like the time I sat next to TV physicist Brian Cox at a dinner. He’s brilliant and beautiful, just the type to press my ‘I’m not worthy’ button.

There were a million things I could have asked him, but what was the best question I could pull from my panic-stricken mind? ‘So, Brian, what’s your favourite colour?’

The evening didn’t end well. But I’ve recognised and forgiven myself for how my human brain made a fool of me that night.

Counterintuitive as this sounds, I’ve learned it’s important to listen to the negative inner voice and let it wear itself out — try to suppress it and it’ll only get louder. I love the saying: ‘If you run away the monster chases you, but if you turn and face it then it runs away.’

Next time this happens to you, try imagining a devil whispering in your ear — and take on the role of the angel sitting on your other shoulder.

When that monster insists ‘you’re not good enough’, argue back that you are and eventually you’ll break the bad habit of listening to that horrible voice.

If humans walked around permanently whistling a happy tune, we’d be extinct by now.

But by understanding that we’re pre-programmed to be this way, we can learn to control our primitive brains — rather than the other way around.

REDUCE THE SIZE OF YOUR TRIBE

HUMAN beings started out in small tribes, which, as they expanded, required a hierarchy to keep everyone in line.

That’s when we started ranking each other and competition became important — if you slacked off, then you felt the disapproval of your peers and that made you experience this thing called shame at being ranked lower than everyone else.

It felt so bad that you’d up your game to make it go away.

These days, thanks to social media, we find ourselves competing with the biggest tribe there is — the whole world. That’s a game we just can’t win.

Even supermodels and self-made billionaires can feel insecure, knowing that there is always someone more beautiful or richer.

Much of the shame that blights our modern lives comes from comparing ourselves to thousands of other humans, all hell-bent on presenting a heavily edited version of their best selves online. No wonder we’re plagued by record levels of low self-esteem.

So, how do you satisfy that evolutionary urge to be counted in a way that isn’t soul-destroying? For me, not going on Facebook to see what I’m lacking has helped. I’ve also looked at ways to play to my strengths in the real world, and discovered I’m great at kayaking — my friends are puzzled, but it’s now my own little area of expertise so I don’t care what they think.

There’s bound to be something unusual that fires you up, too.

Meanwhile, try making your own tribe smaller by spending more time with people you don’t feel you have to constantly present your ‘best self’ to. People who’ll have a kind word when you say life’s not great at the moment, and won’t be scared to admit ‘I feel that way, too’.

This can be in the real world, or online, so long as you stop chasing ‘likes’ and instead connect with the like-minded.

I’ve found online groups that bring together people with a common interest really can become a source of support.

STOP BINGEING ON ‘STUFF’

ADDICTION is just another element of the human condition. Throughout history, there’s always been something to be addicted to, but usually in the form of substances such as alcohol or drugs.

Now we’re hooked on eating, shopping and staring at the screens on our mobile phones.

Early humans had to hunt and forage for what they needed to survive. Today, with one click of the finger, you can satisfy your every human need.

As humans we know how to deal with scarcity, but our primitive brains struggle to compute this abundance and so we consume to excess, convinced that it’ll all run out by tomorrow.

That’s why more people are dying of obesity than they are of starvation. It’s why I own 1,000 cushions that I don’t particularly like or need.

Clever companies make this problem worse by monitoring what we look at online, then flashing up ads for items we’ll want on our computer screens, until we buckle and buy.

Whenever I’m tempted, I try to picture the person behind the advert I’m looking at dipping directly into my bank account.

The marketers tell us ‘buy our product and you’ll instantly be happy’ — and so we do, but then find we’re still not.

So we buy it all again, only this time in a different colour, while our brain insists ‘get the accessories, too, because tomorrow all this could be gone’.

The simple answer is to consume only what we need.

And that’s easier if you recognise that our modern desire for ‘stuff’ is no more than a manifestation of our primitive brain’s obsession with always having enough to get by, egged on by advertising.

If you do want to lose some weight, cut back on booze or curb your screen time in the coming year, remind yourself you don’t need to binge today — these things we overconsume will still be here tomorrow. Eventually, your brain will catch on to that idea, too.

CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY

IN ORDER not to be ruled by negative emotions, we need to consciously upgrade our minds in the same way we do our technology. The old ‘us’ didn’t need much in the way of emotional intelligence, because our survival largely depended on us acting quickly on our instincts.

Today, those same instincts are often what stop us being calm, confident and kinder to ourselves and each other.

A while ago, browsing in a shop, I was suddenly caught in a full-blown panic attack and had to rush outside and hyperventilate into a bag.

This seemed to come from nowhere, but I knew that somewhere deep inside my all-too human brain was

trying to tell me something. I’d been trying on spotted leggings when it happened, and suddenly remembered as a child being bitten by a dalmatian, which had been terrifying.

Once I’d figured out the connections my brain had subconsciously made — to go into panic mode at the sight of anything that might just be that snappy dog — I went back into the shop and bought those leggings.

I repackaged fear and turned it into understanding. Try thinking of it like this: negative feelings are just thoughts, and thoughts are just brain activity, which you can choose not to automatically trust and act on.

The next time you suddenly feel angry, frightened, panicked or upset, remind yourself that this negativity is just a message from your primitive brain that’s probably rooted deep in your past. See if you can find a reason for it.

Emotional intelligence is about thinking through your feelings, rather than simply accepting them with blind trust.

PEOPLE ONLINE ARE REAL, TOO

HUMANS are impulsive creatures, but we’ve learned that when someone makes us angry it’s better to control our primitive brain, take a deep breath and press pause. Otherwise, we’d all go around thumping each other and flinging insults.

Studies show that communicating face-to-face encourages us to think actions through and bulks up our empathy. But in cyberspace it’s a whole other story — the person we’re mad at isn’t in front of us, so if we hurt them we won’t see it.

I’ve done it myself, sending a hurtful email that I’ve written quickly and in anger only to instantly regret it. It takes a lot of practice to stop yourself snapping like that — I’m still a work in progress.

As are we all — after all, the internet’s a very new technology. In evolutionary terms, our cybersocial skills are about as developed as amoeba. But we can try harder to get better at this.

Before you send that angry email, imagine the person reading it and the pain it’s going to cause — and stop yourself.

TIME TO DE-CLUTTER YOUR BRAIN

DE-CLUTTERING has become a modern zeitgeist, but it’s not just our homes that can benefit — our brains get unhealthily cluttered, too. The mind simply doesn’t have the bandwidth to cope with what the 21st century expects us to do with it.

Round-the-clock news alerts us to horrors all over the world; we communicate with virtual families, sometimes more than our real-life ones; we’re so intrigued by other people’s social media feeds we stop noticing the things happening under our noses.

I wake up each morning worrying about everything: refugees, global warming, the fish in our seas, and the people that I love.

Of course, our ancient ancestors had worries, too — about avoiding predators and where their next meal was coming from. But these were all clear and immediate problems, while our 21st-century emotional problems have no obvious solutions, and no end in sight.

To combat this overload, I practice mindfulness to ensure my brain isn’t permanently on frazzle mode.

It involves allowing those terrifying thoughts to come, but rather than letting them eat away at you, you simply observe them objectively. Do it in the same way you might watch clouds passing in the sky, while focusing on your breathing.

This doesn’t make anxious thoughts disappear, but they do get quieter. We must accept that our fearful mindset isn’t going to change, because as human beings our dials are pre-set permanently on high alert.

But we can start picking our battles.

Instead of worrying about every cause, pick one and nail your flag to it — whether that’s the environment, social injustice or anything else, do what you can to help.

Above all, focus on the people you care about who are right in front of you, and do all you can to connect with them in meaningful ways.

If our attention is forever scattered across the internet, then we’re not really being human at all. And in that case computers might as well start turning us into snow globes that they can give each other for Christmas.

So, before that happens, let’s learn how to be nicer to ourselves and more forgiving of our human nature.

Make being more human the only promise you make to yourself this New Year and I’m certain you’ll feel much happier — as I now do — as a result.

HOW To Be Human: The Manual by Ruby Wax is published in paperback today published by Penguin Life priced €15.65.

The human mind can’t cope with what 21stcentury living expects of us. It’s not just our homes that need de-cluttering... it’s our brains, too