‘Ghosting’ is common — and rude!

STEPH SAYS:

Well, this is a thorny issue isn’t it? We are in the world of online dating, which is unfamiliar to me — as it is for you too — so I have every sympathy with you. How are we supposed to know the way it works if we have never played the game and been taught the rules of engagement?

That said, clearly we need to get to know them fast, and work out how you can adapt them for you.

I’ve never tried dating online as it wasn’t really the thing when Dom and I met back in the 1990s, so I showed your letter to a friend who met her fiance online.

She tells me this bloke’s disappearing act — known as ‘ghosting’ — is depressingly common.

Everything seems to be a bit looser now than it was when you were last out there. Personally, I think it’s bloody rude. But, still, at least you know it’s not about you — it happens all the time.

The other thing you need to know is that apparently no new relationship is exclusive until explicitly stated.

If you’re anything like me, you would expect to have a handful of dates and boom: you’re a couple. But now, apparently lots of people think it’s OK to date several people at the same time until they pick one — or simply move on to the next bunch.

In your letter you say you saw this man every couple of weeks. I wonder if he was still auditioning others?

The key here is to learn from this experience. Do not stop venturing out to meet new people. Do not let one pathetic man (what a coward! He couldn’t even tell you he wasn’t interested any more) knock your selfconfidence to the extent that you don’t go on any more dates.

And don’t rock up to his office to confront him. I totally understand the impulse. It’s the kind of thing I would do — in fact, I have done it in the past — but it’s not something I recommend in these circumstances.

I know you think you do, but you don’t really know him, so you don’t know how he will react. Don’t give him the opportunity to say something awful to you and make you feel even worse than you already do.

Which brings me to my final point: you seem to have lost sight of yourself in all this. It’s like you’re sitting back, waiting to be chosen, but you get to choose too! So take control.

Yes, he rejected you, but you can choose to reject him, too. And don’t do him the courtesy of letting him know. Block his number and move on.