The mums who hope you can buy MANNERS
That’s why they pay for their little darlings to have etiquette lessons. Social climbing — or a wise investment?
WHEN presented with a scone at afternoon tea, 11-year-old Daisy Gratton knows not to bite into it whole but to break off small pieces.
She eats soup impeccably by spooning it away from her, gently tapping the spoon to be rid of drips before raising it to her mouth. And when meeting adults, she does so with a warm smile, being sure to make eye contact and introduce herself with a firm handshake.
Daisy’s mother June, a barrister, has paid for her pre-teen daughter to attend etiquette classes, the aim being for Daisy to acquire the kind of finessing that will ‘set her apart in an ever competitive world’.
Far from being consigned to the annals of history along with elitist finishing schools and debutante balls, gentility appears to be prized more highly than ever before. Particularly by those middle-class parents keen to propel their offspring ever higher up the social strata. After all, manners maketh man and June, 49, believes they can ‘open doors for our children in a way that education alone can’t’. She admits others mocked her decision to send Daisy on the €430 six-week course but says: ‘As a barrister, I’m very aware of body language and how it makes other people feel and I have a growing concern for children’s inability to make eye contact, extend a handshake and hold a conversation.
‘I can remember my own parents saying to me: “Look at me while I’m talking to you!” but now we’re all busy looking at screens or doing other things.
‘I’ve also noticed that it’s often the wealthier children whose manners seem to be lacking, perhaps due to a sense of entitlement.’
All the better for those less wealthy to nip in front with carefully taught deportment and social graces. As to what’s driving this renaissance, there are many factors. Yes, it’s about the desire for social mobility but it’s also about confidence and equipping a screen-obsessed generation with the social skills to help them hold their own in a competitive job market.
June, who is married to photographer Glenn, 49, says: ‘Daisy used to be shy and, although polite, wouldn’t put herself forward in class. Through the etiquette lessons, she’s become far better equipped to deal with potentially difficult situations which has increased her confidence in general.
‘Now she has all these little prompts in her head so that she can navigate social situations instead of being hot and flustered.’
After all, etiquette classes aren’t only about knowing which cutlery to use and how to get out of a car like a lady.
June continues: ‘I was very impressed that Daisy was taught that when someone gives you a gift but you haven’t bought one for them, you mustn’t apologise or be embarrassed.
‘Instead, you must make a fuss of the fact that they bought you something, “Thank you so much, that’s incredibly thoughtful of you,” then make a point of sending them a handwritten thank-you note. If you start apologising for not having bought them a gift, it takes away the pleasure the other person should get from giving.
‘Similarly, if you go to a friend’s house for dinner or their parents take you to a restaurant and you don’t like the food you’re presented with, don’t make a fuss.
‘Try to eat something from the plate and if anyone asks if everything is okay, you reply, “I’ve enjoyed what I’ve eaten, thank you.” Anything else may embarrass your host or make them feel awkward.’
DAISY attended the six-week course for eight to 12-year-olds on consecutive Saturdays last April and May.
She is engaging and articulate compared with many children her age who’ve already slipped into the monosyllabic awkwardness of adolescence. So it would appear that her parents’ investment has paid off. But what did Daisy herself make of it?
‘I was very excited and imagined that we’d learn fancy things like curtseying, but it was so much more useful than that,’ says Daisy.
‘It was like being a princess. I loved everything about the classes, especially one where we learned how to dress for different occasions and weather, and how you should never wear more than three colours at once.
‘I now know what to say and what not to say in conversation. I know that it’s fine to ask someone how their day or weekend was, but I wouldn’t ask them questions that I wouldn’t want to be asked myself.
‘When I go out with my friends for dinner now I notice when they start eating without being told that it’s okay to do so, and when they’re looking at their phones at the table.’
Zoe Birri, a former oil and gas company executive, launched The Sunningdale Academy two years ago, inspired by her mother who taught etiquette classes for 15 years.
‘Etiquette skills are often associated with the very wealthy or upper classes, but actually they’re basic life skills that everyone needs,’ she says. ‘I have a huge mix of clients from different social backgrounds, including expats who want their kids to learn more about our social norms.
‘I also have lots of middle-class children who mix with famous and wealthy families, either through school or social events, and others who suffer social anxiety and a lack of confidence.’
Zoe’s courses typically consist of around six sessions with each covering a different topic, from emotional resilience and assertiveness to personal appearance and online ‘netiquette’ (how to maintain your dignity in a sometimes hate-fuelled online environment) all taught by external experts.
‘We have a full meal together with the children during each session so they can practise what they’ve learnt,’ says Zoe. ‘Many parents just want their kids to feel more confident and assertive in their peer groups and a range of social situations.
‘Sadly, the rise in technology is eroding our ability to engage with people. Even the art of hand writing a thank-you letter has disappeared.
‘Learning certain skills, including putting others at ease, at a young age sets us up for achievement in our social, academic and professional lives. These skills are timeless and will always stand out.’
Daisy’s recent move from prep school to an independent all girls’ school was a factor in June’s decision to send her to the academy. Her new school boasts lacrosse pitches, a pony club and a social calendar that includes formal dinners with students from the local boys’ school.
‘The course helped prepare Daisy for mixing with children from different social groups and for the significant increase in demands on her social time,’ June adds.
The culmination of Daisy’s course was the celebratory afternoon tea with her classmates at a swish hotel, where Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were once photographed together. June says: ‘I now have a little girl who is confident in the way she dresses, dines, converses with others and presents herself, and who is aware of how others may be feeling. ‘Getting ahead is not about class, it’s about upbringing. I’m confident that whether she’s talking to the cleaner or bumps into the Queen at Windsor Castle, she’ll treat everyone the same.’
Senior nursing sister Esther Mukeme, 47, admits the motivation
for signing her son Reuben, 11, and daughter Rebecca, 15, up for etiquette classes was partly social mobility.
‘My children go to state school but I don’t want them to feel limited in their existing social circles or intimidated by others,’ says Esther, who is married to Donald, also 47, a registered nurse. ‘If you behave beautifully, your social background becomes irrelevant. I’ve seen privately educated people lose out on jobs at the university hospital where I work because they were rude and entitled.’
As a child, Esther attended a ladies’ club at her secondary school, ‘where we were taught how to sit, communicate and use beautiful table manners.’
She says: ‘Even now, every time I go to a dinner or event people comment on how demurely I sit at a table. It really sets me apart.
‘I try to educate my children that how they conduct themselves in public is there for all to see.’
At €175 per child for a day’s coaching, mastering social skills doesn’t come cheap. But Esther sees the €1,050 a year she spends as an investment in their futures. She sends both her children to the classes three times a year.
She explains: ‘Before their etiquette courses, Reuben and Rebecca would walk into a room, at a family party, for example, and stand behind their father and me. We’d have to prompt them to go and say hello to their relatives or to introduce themselves to new people. Now it’s so different.
‘They proactively go and speak to people and say, “Good morning, how are you?” without having to be asked.
‘Rebecca walks tall and sits like a lady, and Reuben’s table manners have improved tenfold.’
The pinnacle was a recent stay in a hotel: ‘When Reuben spotted an elderly lady with a walking stick trying to get up from her table, he offered to help her. She was so touched. It was one of our proudest moments as parents.’
Reuben admits he was a reluctant etiquette student initially.
‘I thought it would be boring but I was shocked to learn that there is a proper way to use your knife and fork,’ he says. ‘Now I’m disgusted when I see other people eating the way I used to — just with a fork or fingers.’
Rebecca, too, expected chronic boredom at etiquette classes. ‘I really didn’t think there was anything I could possibly learn, but soon realised that I was actually a bit of a social monstrosity!’ she exclaims.
‘My ambition is to perform in the West End and I feel that no matter what social background other people are from, I will be able to hold my own.’
SHE has Laura Akano to thank. Having spent 14 years owning various after-school clubs where she observed a lack of manners in many children, she launched Polished Manners in 2013.
‘I wanted to help children understand that their behaviour helps them get on in life,’ says Laura, a mother of two in her 50s.
‘Most of the parents who bring their children to my etiquette classes simply want them to have better manners and to know how to dress, communicate and conduct themselves properly.’
‘Whatever the reasons, it boosts a child’s confidence to learn these skills and sets them apart from their peers.
‘Humility is one of the basics that I teach, for example, encouraging children to say good morning when they see the cleaner, caretaker or kitchen assistant at school.’ Project manager Sonya Moledina, 38, sent her children, son Shakir and daughter Alayna, who attend independent schools, to a one-day €350 etiquette course last May.
Sonya, whose husband Taqi, 39, owns a luxury travel company, says: ‘We hope the children will excel academically, but we feel their social and professional success as adults will be determined by their behavioural skills.’
Despite still being young enough to believe in Santa Claus, both children speak with composure that belies their years.
‘Etiquette is about making others feel welcome and comfortable and conducting myself correctly,’ says Shakir, nine.
‘It’s also about cleaning up after yourself, being on time, giving genuine compliments, not making noises when eating and being a good host when people come to our house.’
At just six, Alayna concurs: ‘I was taught how to behave like a young lady, how to smile warmly like a princess, and how to put my knees together, turn my legs and sit nicely like Kate Middleton.’
Sonya adds: ‘Increasingly I see bright, academic children who could really do with brushing up on their social skills.
‘Etiquette classes may sound elitist, but they’re underrated, essential and have equipped my children to make better first impressions on others.’