A lack of porpoise

HEARTBROKEN Robbie Williams, pictured, has reportedly spent over $1,000 on a turtle specialist who gave bereavement counselling to one of his pet turtles after its brother died – with Robbie’s wife Ayda saying that her wish was to see the surviving turtle ‘smile again’. To be honest, I can’t decide whether to finish this nugget with ‘a fool and his money’, ‘more money than sense’, or ‘half the world starving’.

FORMER Doctor Who star Jenna Coleman has put the world out of its collective misery by clarifying that she does want children, but not yet. The star, 32, addressed the crucial question in an interview (that hopefully also mentioned her impressive CV at some point) with Harper’s Bazaar. Funnily enough, it appears that her Doctor Who co-star Matt Smith, three years her senior, has yet to be so urgently quizzed on the issue.

I’M always baffled at the avalanche of reports – and complaints – after a GAA Congress about the Dubs never playing outside Croke Park. Presumably it was a dream, then, that brought me to Roscommon on Sunday. Given that we drove down comparing sunny stories from just 24 hours earlier and ploughed home in a blizzard, that’s probably the most rational explanation.

NOW that Mark Durkan has announced that he’s running for a Dublin seat in the European elections on a Fine Gael ticket, I’m considering running for Derry in the local elections. Just as Durkan can’t name four streets in Leo’s constituency, I can’t manage four in Derry, but I have been there a few times and I once won £50 in the Bluebell Bar on the Bogside. That said, Durkan promises that once Derry are knocked out of the Championship, he’ll switch allegiance to the Dubs. To be honest, the former SDLP leader has me at a disadvantage there. After all, there’s no way I can reciprocate that gesture.