I’ve been in your shoes. Don’t lie for her

STEPH SAYS:

WHEN I read your letter, I was catapulted back to a very similar scenario I once experienced. Many years ago, a colleague put me in the same kind of bind, so I really do understand just how compromised you feel and just how difficult this is for you.

I’m sure you feel disappointed in your friend, but also torn because being a best friend means being there through thick and thin, and your friend needs you right now.

To be a true friend means being someone who can be relied on, and doing a bunk right now isn’t in the job description.

You know what she’s doing is wrong: she knows what she’s doing is wrong. And I’m sure the man she’s having an affair with knows it’s wrong, too. People who are unfaithful don’t lose their ability to discern right from wrong, they just put their morality on hold.

An affair is all impulse, intrigue and overwhelming attraction. It’s exciting. I can hear your friend telling you she’s never felt like this before, never felt so alive. The thing is, long-term relationships inevitably become less exciting. And when things get more mundane, you either plough on through and come out the other side, where a new kind of relationship exists, or you don’t. People get bored and make bad decisions, and I think your friend is doing just that.

So, how do you support her? She probably has her head in the clouds and won’t want to hear anything negative, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell her what she doesn’t want to hear. First, sit down and listen to your inner policeman. It should tell you what to say — and I suspect that means you will support her, but you won’t cover for her deceit.

Explain that you are and will always be there for her, but that you have your limits. The ripples of her unhappiness with her marriage will affect others, but it’s not acceptable to put you in a position where you will inevitably get hurt, too.

Tell her that as much as you love her, you can’t condone this. Explain that you think she should either end the affair or her marriage — that the current situation is fair to no one. It may be that he is The One and that she’s realised she married the wrong man — and if that’s the case, then this will all play out as it is meant to, but you need not be part of the game. You must offer support, but not take responsibility.

A final word: when I was in your shoes all those years ago and picked up a call from my colleague’s husband, I told the truth. No, I said, she wasn’t there. I had no idea that she’d told him she was.

Everything blew up and I, totally unwittingly, was in the middle of it all. I walked away comfortably because I didn’t lie. You are always the most important person to yourself. Do what feels right for you and help her do what’s right for her, too.