My best mate is drinking himself to death
DEAR BEL, I AM very worried about my mate who has been my best friend since junior school. Let’s call him Dave.
He has a stressful job and drinks too much — usually starting with Prosecco and pink gin, moving on to a beer, then red wine and brandy — and he’ll have a whisky nightcap. He’s been doing this for years.
He went through a messy divorce four years ago which I know has affected him; his two adult daughters don’t get to see him as much.
He now has a lovely girlfriend, Molly, who he’s been with for nearly three years. She’s also concerned about Dave and we’ve spoken about his health and our fear of him having a breakdown.
He’s also a big user of painkillers — confessing he is addicted and pops ibuprofen, paracetamol and others along with his extensive list of herbal remedies.
Dave has started to show serious signs of stress and potential alcoholism. At my house the other night, pouring gin into his Prosecco, I could see his hand shaking. He tried to laugh it off saying he was tired. He told Molly he expects to live only five more years.
I believe his stressful job is the main cause of his problems. He commutes to the city, leaving at 6.45am and not returning until about 8.30pm most days. Of course, he likes the benefits the salary brings — such as his five motorbikes. He owns his house around the corner from me, but has stopped coming out on the bikes as much as he doesn’t feel well enough to manage a heavy Harley.
He’s not overweight, but I’m sure he is going to have a stroke or heart attack soon. During his divorce, he collapsed in my garden and was rushed to hospital. He admitted to taking a load of painkillers that morning, followed by alcohol with little sleep the night before.
I tell Dave I’m worried and he needs to slow down and get a less stressful job, but it falls on deaf ears. I’ve also recommended counselling, but he doesn’t see a problem.
It’s as though he’s resigned himself to leaving the world in 2024. I am closer to Dave than anyone, but I feel unable to get him to seek help. I don’t want to fall out with him as he needs me to be there for him if things go wrong. How can I get him to look after himself before he topples over and it’s too late? PAUL
YOU raise an intractable problem many of us have to face sooner or later: is it possible to intervene and make people change?
While I repeatedly insist that change is possible, that we can take control of our own lives — I do understand how hard it is.
But a few years ago I dished out some ‘tough love’ to an overweight, lonely man who boozed away his weekends and lived on crisps — and I heard from him later that it worked.
So maybe it’s time for you to risk falling out with this friend — who is very lucky to have a mate who cares about him so much.
You’ve tried to talk to him and suggested counselling for his addictions — to no avail. He has a lovely steady girlfriend (a second chance) who has also tried to talk — and been ignored.
What excuses do we give him? OK, so he had a messy divorce, but that was four years ago, so deal with it! OK, so he doesn’t see as much of his adult daughters as he’d like — but we don’t expect our kids to live in our pockets, so (unless they’re being horrible to him — which you’d have said) that’s nothing.
OK, so he works hard at a stressful job, but so do plenty of people who don’t abuse their bodies.
What’s more, he’s been kind enough to tell the woman who loves him that he only expects to live five more years. What does he expect her to say? — ‘Thanks a bunch, sunshine — in that case I’m off!’
Yes, I am impatient — and so should you be. Of course, what you’re witnessing may be the result of an inner wound with origins deep in Dave’s past, and yet he rejects your suggestion of counselling.
If he’s holding down a highpowered job, he’s intelligent enough to know that his addictions will kill him. Why should he inflict this deliberate slow suicide on people who love him?
If this were my best friend, I’d first have to show her I was serious by not having a drink myself when she came round, and not offering her one. If your pals are all drinkers (like my own) then Dave is going to continue, isn’t he? Gandhi said: ‘We must be the change we wish to see in the world.’
Have you thought of luring your friend away on a weekend break on some pretext or other, and doubling down on the serious talk — with NO booze in the rented cottage?
How will he know how frustrated and angry and worried you feel — unless you stop being gentle and spell it out? I think his girlfriend Molly should be brutal, too. Agree that together.
Ask Dave what matters to him in life. Where he finds meaning. Ask what kind of funeral he wants and what he would like his weeping daughters to read out.
Tell him you’re selling your bike because he’s a disappointing dead loss.
Next time you’re at his place, sneak upstairs and find all those painkillers and remove them.
Since he shows no sign of holding back on anything, I don’t think you should either.
I can scarcely wait till tomorrow when a new life begins for me, as it does each day, as it does each day. FROM THE ROUND BY STANLEY KUNITZ (AMERICAN POET 1905-2006)