He’s made his bed. Let him lie in it

DOM SAYS:

OH DEAR, what a terribly sad story. I’m very saddened to hear this. You were married for 27 years — this is a very long time. And, let’s be honest, things can get boring. We all have a responsibility to keep things in our relationships alive. And I feel so sorry for you that your husband has decided to look outside his marriage for the spark that was lacking within.

We all know how these things happen. Your husband was dissatisfied, looking for a bit of fun and one thing led to another. Except, in this case, it led the whole way. He left you for a younger woman and caused untold hurt in the process.

It must have been utterly devastating for you. I don’t know how I would cope if my whole life was torn apart like yours was. So you have my profound respect — 100 per cent — for picking yourself up and putting yourself back together again.

I admire you hugely for your ability to have turned a terrible experience into a source of strength and I’m delighted you’ve even found yourself feeling liberated and more positive. So I can well understand your frustration that your ex has chosen this moment to waltz back in.

In fact, I’m sure you’re tempted to tell him it’s a bit late now! And I’m sorry to say, I think it is. He is the father of your children and I’m sure there’ll be a part of you that will love him until the day you die, but if you allow him back, you are handing him the power to hurt you again.

Do you really believe that things will be different in the future? How could you trust that he wouldn’t yo-yo back and forth with this woman or, indeed, someone else. He put you through a living hell. So no, I don’t think he gets to come back at the drop of a hat. He didn’t have a fumble or a fling, he left you and your life. You have rebuilt things and you must protect yourself.

But the fact you’ve written to us tells me you might not be comfortable with such a strong decision.

If you can’t quite bring yourself to tell him a flat no, then give him a halfway house. Tell him he doesn’t get to come back and live with you, he has to go and live alone — quite alone, no other women — for a year, and then you can see how you feel. He made his bed somewhere else, now he needs to lie in it.

One final word, think about how you might feel about all of this if you’d found someone else. And then remember that you still might — and that you’ve already found yourself.