I can’t believe he thinks you’ll say yes

STEPH SAYS:

FIRST things first, I’d like to give you a huge ‘well done’ hug. You have picked your life up again after your husband ruined it. This is one of the deepest fears of most married women — that after years of caring for everyone, of raising children and keeping everyone together, the love of your life could just up and leave you. So you’re doing a massive service to us all by sharing the fact that one can recover after such an enormous blow.

Often, women whose husbands leave them feel a misplaced sense of shame. They really shouldn’t — it’s all on the men — but they do. So it’s inspirational to hear you say that you’ve come out the other side of such a fundamental trauma and feel liberated, even excited, at the thought of the future.

How hideous then, to have your ex creep back on to the scene. No man has any right to expect his discarded partner to let him come back, to act as if this monumental betrayal was somehow nothing. It’s outrageous that it even crossed his mind as a possibility.

I’ve often thought that we all change when we marry. The person we were is still there, of course, but we do also morph into someone less singular, someone who has another person to consider, who is part of something bigger than themselves too. So when we stop being married, somehow we have to figure out who we are.

No longer the girl of 25, or the married woman of 50, but you, now, single again at 52. It must have taken a Herculean effort to have put yourself back together again. And to find you’re happy with this new version of you is wonderful. You like the new you, so carry on being her!

I understand the impulse to indulge in the comfort of the familiar, but it’s not good for you. In fact, I think it would be deeply damaging to your psyche to allow him back in. You have a new lease of life and your future is looking exciting. Put yourself first!

I’d go so far as to say you should keep him as far out of your life as possible. You say you’ve been on some dates — how brave. You don’t need your ex sticking his nose into a new relationship. So the answer is no. You shouldn’t let him come back. Of course you feel some residual love. You were married for more than a quarter of a century; it’s normal to feel like that.

But your love wasn’t enough to stop him going off with another woman. Tell him no — and if you waver, remember that he was once able to look you in the eye and tell you he was leaving. Stay strong.