You’re a mum, not in a Mills & Boon

STEPH SAYS:

I HAVE to tell you, I got goosebumps when I read your letter. I have been lucky enough to know real love, so when you ask me how do you know if you really love someone, I think you already know: for my money, this is the real deal.

I understand when you say you’ve experienced the stages of falling in love at full speed, living cheek by jowl. Lockdown has fast-tracked your love life.

Normally, we don’t have the luxury of this kind of time, which is why it can take years to build such intense intimacy. Life is usually so busy that we just don’t really get to see each other with no distractions.

So there is no question in my mind that you’ve raced through to the ‘I’m in!’ level of sheer joy, and now it is being threatened.

Now, if this were a Mills & Boon novel, you’d be packing up your tweed and tartan and getting ready for the drive north. Sadly it’s not, is it? It’s real life, with a huge responsibility to your son. So while my romantic side wants to urge you to drop it all and Scotland, ahoy!, the mother in me knows you have a difficult choice to make between the love of your life and your beloved son.

We all know that long-distance relationships are difficult and the risk of splitting is high. I know from experience that facing that is risky. Let’s not forget, however, that you have another 40 years of your own life to live and your boy will be an adult before you know it. At 18, he’ll be off, living his best life — and you may never regain the happiness you have just found.

But we know that children must always come first. So, I think you should put your son at the heart of the decision.

I believe he has the right to voice his choice. Ask his advice, involve him in the dilemma, tell him the truth. However, you must choose your words carefully — you cannot afford for him to feel that you are putting it all on him, because it’s too much for 11-year-old shoulders.

But this is a life choice for him too. Tell him that he is your first and only obligation. Remind him that it will always be you and him first and foremost, and gauge his reaction.

Tell him that the only way you’ll ever feel good about this is if you know that he wants it too — for himself, as well as you.

If he reacts strongly or with fear, go back to it in a few weeks once he has had time to digest it. This is not a sales pitch, this is a life-changer. Then wait.

The answer will come. You know what you want to do but you can’t do it without him. I hope your son is on side and you get to follow your heart and go.