25 reasons we’re secretly happy that we let our beauty regimes slide

From the humiliation of a spray tan to the horror of paper knickers and the sheer agony of threading...

YOU may have managed to bag a hair appointment now that salons have been given the green light to reopen. But when it comes to maintenance from the eyebrows down, many beauty salons and nail bars are still yet to return.

Beauty and nail parlours did get the go-ahead to open again from last week – after uproar from owners, therapists and some clients, when the sector was originally being forced to stay shut until Phase Four starts on July 20.

But, whisper it . . . a few of us actually treasured the chance to remain ungroomed during lockdown.

If you’ve grown used to your monobrow, hairy legs and chewed nails then here are 25 reasons to not miss the beauty salon . . . 1

HAS any spray tan in the history of spray tans ever actually lasted a fortnight, as the salons claim? Yes, it might do if you don’t wear clothes, shower or swim, and sleep standing up. Otherwise you’ll be lucky to get five days out of it. 2

THE rip-off that is an ‘inch-loss wrap’. A therapist will measure your thighs with a very loose tape measure before covering them in stinky seaweed, wrapping your limbs in cling film and leaving you to marinade for 20 minutes. After hosing you down, she’ll measure your thighs with a very tight tape measure and declare that you’ve lost 2 inches. You’ll go home and your jeans still won’t fit. 3

REALISING that your ‘60-minute’ body scrub includes a consultation, the time they kept you waiting and the time it takes you to get dressed and undressed. Suddenly it doesn’t seem such great value after all. 4

THE horror of paper knickers – those disposable pants they give you before a spray tan or bikini wax. They are tiny, saggy and designed by a sadist who thinks women all have pert bottoms the size of grapefruits. You will also – and I guarantee this – put them on back to front.

5

WHY do so many salons ask you to fill out a ridiculously long and detailed medical questionnaire? Do they really need to know what surgery I’ve had in the past five years before giving me a facial? And there’s something quite unnerving about being asked to provide details of your next of kin before you can get your nails done. 6

PRETENTIOUS treatment descriptions found at some of the more upmarket (and pricey) salons. The facial you booked to put some life back into your grey skin will be a ‘cleansing and nourishing rebalancing experience’; while that massage you chose to soothe your aching back will be a ‘nurturing, grounding, wellness treatment’. 7

TINY cubicles with no soundproofing. It’s quite hard to switch off and find your Zen-like calm on the treatment table when all you can hear is ‘Ouch!’

and ‘It’s burning!’ from other customers who are having threading and waxing treatments in the adjoining rooms. 8

WHY do beauticians all think we suffer from hypothermia? Go for a facial and you’ll end up lying on the treatment table and sweating underneath the weight of a duvet and 16 blankets. 9

DO therapists and receptionists learn to talk in the same, whispery salon voice as part of their training? The key seems to be to talk slowly and quietly, sounding calm, soothing and just a little bit patronising.

10

WHAT is with this new trend of washing your feet before every treatment? It’s fine if I’m having a pedicure, but I don’t want them cleansed before a facial. Especially if I haven’t shaved my legs and my feet look as though they belong to The Hobbit. 11 ‘HOW’S that pressure?’ the masseuse will ask as she pummels away at your flesh as though she’s kneading dough. ‘Lovely, thank you,’ you’ll squeak in agony, as you make a mental note to buy some concealer to cover the bruises.

12

IF you opt for a traditional toenail polish over a fast-drying gel, then salons will invariably give you cheap, disposable flipflops to go home in. You will take all of six steps outside before they fall apart. 13

WHEN you’re told off for being ‘tense’ or having ‘knots’ during a massage. It’s hard to relax when you’re naked, covered in oil and lying on the equivalent of a

flimsy wallpaper pasting table that you fear will collapse at any moment. 14

IRRITATING plinky-plonk music that salons all insist on playing in treatment rooms. I don’t listen to wind chimes, pan pipes or the sound of whales mating at any other time, so why would I during a treatment? No music is absolutely fine with me. 15

THE pedicure production line. Sitting in what looks like the Mastermind chair alongside half a dozen other people while a therapist attacks your hard skin with a file is not the most pleasant experience. You can’t help but look at everyone else’s feet and wonder why they’re so much nicer than your old hooves.

16

IS there anything quite so humiliating as getting a spray tan? Naked apart from your paper knickers, you stand in a pop-up tent while a girl fires at you with a gun filled with freezing cold tanning lotion. A humiliation you paid ¤35 for. 17

THE terrifying-looking instruments, including the dreaded cuticle clippers, that manicurists line up on a towel before doing your nails. Are they giving me a file and polish, or about to torture me for information? Suddenly, the ‘next of kin’ questionnaire makes sense. 18

THERE is no pain like the pain of threading. Yes, it leaves you with perfectly groomed brows, but the process feels like your skin is being sliced by tiny razor blades. How can two pieces of cotton hurt so much? 19

THE very real fear that you’re going to fall asleep on the treatment bed during a relaxing facial or massage and start snoring like a warthog. 20

THERE’S something revolting about looking at your own hair on a wax strip after it’s been pulled from your body. Even worse is seeing an overflowing bin filled with the hairy wax strips of the previous customer.

21

I DON’T mind making small talk with a therapist when I’m having my nails done or my eyelashes tinted. But don’t try to talk to me about what I’m having for my dinner tonight when you’re waxing my bikini line. I’ll take the silence every time. 22

HIGH-TECH facials with fancy gadgets can work wonders, but the average facial is just someone slapping ten different types of gunk on your face and then washing them off before adding a basic moisturising cream. 23

YOU are handed the giant ring of nail polish colours. You sift through all 200 of them and eventually make your decision. ‘I’ll have number 103, please,’ you say. ‘That one’s out of stock,’ will be the reply. 24

HEADACHES from the chemicals and the fear that your hands are going to be burned to a crisp every time you place them in the UV box when getting a gel manicure. 25

UNLESS you want tight-fitting clothes to leave marks on your fresh fake tan, you will have to make your journey home knickerless, braless . . . and praying that today isn’t the day you get hit by a bus.