Make him apologise to you -- and them

STEPH SAYS:

WOW! My jaw has just hit the floor. I am very concerned for you and am hugely respectful of you for writing to us.

In your longer letter, I can see that you have been a peacemaker, and a diligent wife, mother and grandmother. But you have started to take the situation back into your hands. That is hugely important.

The first thing to note is that after all the years of bringing up your family, you now spend your time looking after your grandchildren. I have no doubt you love to spend time with them, but it seems you get no gratitude. I also have the impression that you have politely and quietly endured this treatment for some time.

Your husband is, without a doubt, behaving like a child by involving your girls. How they are treating you is also beyond the pale.

Your two boys clearly do not get involved. Well, while I’m sure in one way you feel relieved they haven’t joined in, you are no doubt also upset they haven’t defended you. Keeping the peace by staying quiet is all well and good, but not when it is cruel behaviour.

To be honest all parties involved in your mistreatment are as guilty as each other, but for your husband to get your daughters to join in is so shocking to me that I am fearful of how he may next undermine you.

Relationships between parents and their children are sacrosanct. Along the way there are ups and downs, and as a family unit you all work to get through them. But running through, there must always be respect for the parents. It is one thing to row with your children — all perfectly normal. But to have a family divided in this way has to be addressed firmly.

Your husband’s behaviour is not that of a loving husband. If it were me, I would be devastated — and furious.

Firstly, talk to your sons. Ask for their support and their help in confronting your girls and then your husband.

I’d speak to each daughter separately and explain the damage their behaviour is causing.

Then it is time for a stern conversation with your husband. Be very strong. You must remind him that you are a couple, and, as such, your disagreements are yours alone. Yes, you are parents, but that doesn’t mean you have forfeited your right to privacy.

Explain how you feel this is a deep betrayal of the bond between husband and wife. Then tell him that, yes, your daughters are owed an apology, as are you. But it is for your husband to initiate, not make further conflict.

You deserve better than this, so please make sure you get it.