I’ll never be accepted by husband’s family over our affair

My one requirement: that you stay with me/I want to hear you, grumble as you may/If you were deaf I’d need what you might say/If you were dumb I’d need what you might see FROM SONNET 19 BY BERTOLT BRECHT (GERMAN POET AND PLAYWRIGHT, 1898-1956)

DEAR Bel,

MY NOW husband and I had a threemonth affair in early 2020 when he was engaged with a two-year-old daughter. I’d been through a divorce, an abusive relationship, then a brief relationship with an alcoholic and, when we met, Bob and I felt instant attraction.

We talked for hours; he was so kind and caring. I’d never had an affair before, but had the selfish view that I’d met the man for me —which I’m ashamed to admit.

Bob told me his relationship was toxic, with separate beds and interests and arguments. I said I wouldn’t be ‘the other woman’, so he must choose. Bob worried about not seeing his daughter if they split.

But he insisted he just wanted to be together and when Covid hit we shared my home. It was hard for his parents, as he had been with his previous partner for eight years and they were used to having their grandchild to stay.

I became pregnant in April 2020 — unplanned but we were happy, albeit terrified of what people would think. I’d already lost a lot of friends who didn’t like what I’d done.

My family struggled, too, but said they loved me and would support our relationship. Bob’s family were not happy and his sister hasn’t spoken to him since. They didn’t want to meet me.

Before the birth we married with only my parents there. Bob’s parents refused to attend and begged him not to marry me. Our baby boy was born in December and his parents visited five days later and stayed for 40 minutes. That was progress.

Within days, our baby fell ill and was hospitalised for ten days. His parents sent texts to Bob, but didn’t visit for weeks after the baby came out of hospital, or then for months.

We said we’d love them to be involved, but they said no, their family would never accept me. This visit ended with me crying after his mother insinuated I was a tart.

The rejection has been painful. Bob has suffered with depression, with this a big contributor. We have a good relationship with Bob’s ex — now with another partner — and there’s a shared care arrangement for both children. His parents will see our child, but not us.

They want to take him to visit the sister, who still refuses to meet me. How can we develop a relationship with people like this?

I don’t think Bob’s parents are bad people. But they all rejected us and haven’t so much as sent a card for the baby. How can they do this to their son and grandson? Surely love for your children should be unconditional?

Do we walk away, close the door or leave it open?

JUDY

THERE’S a powerful sense in your very long email that you still carry a sense of guilt for beginning an affair with a man who was all-but-married with a child.

You confess you were selfish but that, after your relationship disasters, you were keen to cling to the unexpected happiness you had suddenly found.

Who can blame you for that? Plenty of people fall in love with the ‘wrong’ person, who later actually turns out to be right.

Some relationships run their course in order to let new ones thrive. And pinning all the blame for a break-up on one half of a couple is too simplistic.

I often find that the people who are the most judgmental about affairs and splits are the very ones whose private lives have been pretty questionable.

Of course, it’s very sad when a marriage (or near marriage in Bob’s case) ends, especially when there is a child involved.

It’s horrible for the one left behind because of a new love. Such pain, such an ache of rejection, such anger at being scorned, is felt all over the world, every minute of every day. Passionate love is a terrible sickness and plenty of people catch it, with no vaccine.

Your husband’s family had eight years in which to know and love his ex. They became close to her extended family, too. When the baby girl came along, Bob’s parents must have felt ecstatic.

How were they to know a thunderbolt was about to hit him, resulting in the end of that long relationship and engagement? The situation is hard for a family.

People sometimes forget that when a couple splits up, the ripples spread outwards and family members can be deeply upset. Nobody can say, ‘It’s not their business’ because long developed feelings of affection do make them involved, like it or not. But choosing to continue with a grudge, when the couple has shown commitment by marrying and bearing a child? No, that’s wrong.

Nobody is saying Bob’s parents and sister should be ready to play Happy Families - their feelings for Bob’s old fiancée won’t just evaporate.

But forgiveness is surely possible when everyone else has moved on. Time now for Bob’s family to behave like adults. They need to accept you now, even if they secretly still prefer the other one. Even if they do come round, as they should, it will never be easy for you to accept them. But it must happen, for the sake of Bob and your little son.