New bank holiday offers chance for more We Time
Parenting expert Mary O’Kane says going on adventures can help children to build resilience
Dr Mary O’Kane is a psychology lecturer, early childhood education specialist and the author of Perfectly Imperfect Parenting: Connection Not Perfection. As we approach the new Bank Holiday and the school half term holidays, Dr O’Kane is calling on families to reawaken their sense of adventure to forge lasting memories for their children...
WE have all come through an incredibly challenging period with the Covid pandemic and, of course, the lockdowns.
Many of us were juggling the demands of working from home with trying to home-school our children. Back then, my message to stressed parents was simply to ‘do your best’. That was all any of us could do at the time.
But even though we have moved past this period, many parents are still concerned about ongoing anxiety and trying to build resilience in their children.
My message now to parents is to try out adventurous activities as a family, to help our children find their ‘inner brave’.
I always suggest to parents that adventures with our children are great for building confidence,
What matters is spending quality time together
self-belief and resilience. Particularly for more sensitive children, or those who struggle with anxiety, we know the importance of encouraging them to gently take a few steps outside their comfort zones.
What better time to do this than during quality time with family?
Family connection provides the safety net that they need to help them test how strong and capable they really are.
And if we want our children to find their ‘inner brave’, maybe we need to start by taking a leap of faith ourselves.
We can enjoy these activities without breaking the bank. We sometimes think as parents that our role is to achieve perfection and provide the best of everything for our children.
But our children remember the time we spend with them, the family connection – not the price.
When asked about our own childhood memories, we rarely mention big-ticket holidays that cost thousands.
Often, it is the day trip just a few miles up the road that we remember. These stories of family fun, or trips that didn’t turn out as planned, are the ones that remain vivid into adulthood.
So this is not about spending a fortune. What really matters is spending quality time together.
New and unique experiences also stand out in our memories, so it is good to break habits and routines. Look for things you haven’t done before and have fun experiencing them as a family.
This is why I place so much importance on ‘We Time’.
As my husband is from Derry, I thought it would be great if we headed up North as a family for a short break to lodge some of that elusive ‘We Time’ in the bank.
The Causeway Coast is a magical place. With the seaside towns of Portrush and Portstewart, the Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge, the Giant’s Causeway and some of the best beaches in Ireland, there’s so much to do.
Everyone in my family knows I’m a bit of a ‘scaredy cat’ so I thought I would lead by example. If we want our children to find their ‘inner brave’, we need to start by taking a leap of faith ourselves.
The plan was to let my children pick some adventures for us to enjoy together.
I made the rookie mistake of announcing to my family that we would do whatever activity they chose. And of course, knowing my fear of heights, they immediately selected the Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge on the Causeway Coast. It’s an iconic and beautiful structure, popular with the thousands of people who walk across it each year.
To me, it’s a flimsy rope bridge dangling precariously 100ft above the wild Atlantic Ocean. I imagined being airlifted from the other side. But a promise is a promise.
I know my children will vividly remember the time their mother screamed as she crossed the rope bridge for the rest of their lives. And every terrified step will have been worth it.
Helping me find my own ‘inner brave’ is the knowledge that this trip will make lasting memories.
Recent research found 62% of people say they remember childhood trips more than birthdays.
This family time not only affects our children today, it can influence how they spend time with their own children later in life.
For me, that’s a really special thing to think about. The activities we do now with our children can reverberate down through the generations.
Being exposed to ‘safe risktaking’ pushes our children slightly outside their comfort zone. They might experience butterflies in their tummy or sweaty palms. They are learning what it feels like to feel uncertain and how to evaluate risk.
They are learning about what happens to their bodies when they feel scared. But this is happening in a positive context – on fun adventures. So, they learn that sometimes their heart races and they get butterflies in their tummy but they can cope.
This helps them then develop a more positive approach to anxiety. They are learning they are stronger and more capable than they thought they were.
Yes, sometimes life can be challenging, but they have faced challenges before – and they can do it again. The overall lesson is if they give things a go when they feel scared, their anxiety can be manageable. And it’s even better when they see their parents and adults face our fears too.
We know taking time out from the stresses of everyday life to spend time with loved ones helps us develop deep-rooted ties. It refreshes our bodies and our minds and strengthens family connections.
When we are on the hamster wheel of life, quality time with family members is often the first casualty. Research from Child of our Time has shown that only one in four children talks to their parents about ‘something that matters’ more than once a week.
Another reason to take quality time is to encourage children to have real and valuable conversations with family. The only time a device should be used is to take a picture to help forge happy memories.
The North is somewhere my family love to go – it might be just a few hours up the road but there are so many amazing days out and adventurous places to explore.
For younger children, you have the Gruffalo Trail, W5 or the Titanic Experience, the Ulster Folk Park or the Narnia Trail.
For teens, Ireland’s first Alpine Coaster and Ireland’s longest zipline are in Colin Glen in Belfast. You can also enjoy water sports and mountain biking and maybe visit the Derry Girls mural or the Game of Thrones Dark Hedges.
Jump in the car and head to the nearest forest, beach or mountain and I guarantee you the ‘We Time’ will be worth it.
So, my key advice for 2023 is to make it a year of reawakening those family connections. Get out, have fun and explore new adventures. And if you see me at the Bushmills Distillery having a little glass of whiskey, I promise it’s only to calm my nerves after the trauma of the rope bridge.
The lesson is that anxiety can be manageable