My 8 biggest red carpet howlers!
From a stray plaster on her arm to unflattering opaque tights, the ex-Vogue editor admits all...
MANY people will find the idea of appearing on the red carpet glamorous. An acknowledgement of success, the pinnacle of achievement. But not me.
I found many of the red carpet appearances I made during the 25 years I edited Vogue utter hell. So much so I would often try to scurry round the back of venues to avoid them. Sadly, as these pictures show, I didn’t always succeed.
Over the years, arriving at any starry event has become far more of an ordeal. Gone are the days when a small group of carefully selected photographers did some judicious retouching before pictures were released to the Press. This week’s Golden Globe stars would have faced a phalanx of snappers all shouting at them, a wildly disorientating and intimidating experience.
Then there are the ‘iPad despots’ in charge of who can access the carpet and in what order. While the point of these events is to showcase the personalities attending (as well as sponsors’ logos plastered on the banners you pose against), not all personalities are equal.
Which means there is the humiliating experience of the red-carpet pecking order. Anyone judged unworthy of even five minutes of fame is promptly beckoned on and out of frame, or even directed to another entrance altogether.
Fortunately, as Editor-in-Chief of Vogue, I was guaranteed to be selected by those guarding the way to the red carpet but, even so, there was always the possibility of being shuffled sideways to make way for someone more important.
And once out there, in front of a million social media eyeballs, there is no escape.
Yes, the Golden Globe stars have armies of stylists, hair and make-up professionals and tailors to help them project an immaculate impression.
But to be judged in this manner is still an ordeal – and to be judged and found wanting is even worse.
The pitfalls are too numerous to list, but here I am demonstrating some errors I wish I had avoided . . .
1 NEVER POSE NEXT TO A GORGEOUS SUPERMODEL
SOMETIMES at fashion events, this unfortunate occurrence is impossible to avoid, but the moment will leave you feeling like a minor species way down the evolutionary chain. Here, Naomi Campbell and I are at a Chanel party in 2007. While I stare wild-eyed into the distance, Naomi, ever the professional, has perfected her party snap stance: the ‘chin down eyes up’ look that is a basic rule if you want to show off your jawline. She also has turned herself fractionally sideways with her knees together, another posing trick that makes the bottom half of the body slimmer. There is no way you can look good in the company of staggeringly beautiful women and no matter how hard you try to remember that looks aren’t everything, you wish the pictures will never see the light of day.
2 BEWARE THE UPPER ARM BULGE
MANY women are frightened of appearing with bare arms, but that has never worried me. If anything, in photographs bare flesh often looks better than flesh covered up. However, what professional red-carpet posers know is never to press said arms against your body. Instead, they hold their arms out, leaving a gap, thereby presenting an elegant silhouette rather than a solid blob. This also prevents an upper arm bulge, which none of us want and which foreshortens the length of your limbs. Even knowing this, I appear not to have been paying attention at the Evening Standard Awards in 2014. I’ve not only made the arm mistake, but I clearly haven’t bought what Erdem, designer of my dress, calls the correct ‘underpinnings’. The forensic light of the red carpet draws unfortunate attention to any hint of a misshapen bust line, as I have here, especially when seen from the side. Good underwear, as any pro knows, is paramount. While we mostly stand before a mirror front-on, the red carpet is a cruel 360 degrees. It’s why, having run the gauntlet of the red carpet, actresses often rush to the loo to get rid of their uncomfortable support knickers as soon as they can.
3 LEAVE YOUR COAT WITH A LACKEY
IT’S never a good idea to be photographed wearing a coat. The lights on the carpet are baking hot and coats give most of us a bulky outline. What you don’t see in red-carpet pictures are the retinue of assistants carrying coats and phones and handbags so their bosses don’t get snapped with any unattractive clutter. Behind any star is an aide frantically rushing around to ensure they look their best.
4 DON’T ROCK UP WITH THE INVITATION
INVITATION cards have no place on the red carpet. You should appear as a person who has no need of one and they should never be seen. You just are.
5 THICK BLACK TIGHTS ARE A NO-NO
AS A general rule opaque black tights are not a winner on the red carpet – especially when paired, as they are here at a 2012 Valentino exhibition at London’s Somerset House, with pale shoes. In everyday situations I like pairing black with white, but these nude courts only work with bare legs. Often things which look fine in real life just don’t work in photographs. It’s why most red-carpet dressing is either incredibly bland and safe or increasingly so eccentric that normal rules don’t apply.
6 HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS!
THE black tights and coat combo I wore for a Jean Paul Gaultier exhibition at London’s Barbican in 2007, breaks several red-carpet rules, but it’s not helped by the hands in pockets. Although pockets have become more fashionable in eveningwear, the pose looks overly casual. You will never see a royal with their hands stuffed inside their pockets.
8 DON’T SHOW YOUR TRUE FEELINGS
OK, THIS is a tricky one . . . should you give an unashamed grin, risking a double chin and creased jaw, or should you try a more flattering simper? I always go for the grin, as here, after landing a trophy at the British Fashion Awards. But it’s not the most flattering expression. Actors and models have learned how to smile without their faces creasing – don’t ask me, ask Kate Moss. If you are savvy, you will probably turn your face to a slight profile, or shoot an over-the-shoulder glance. But really, life’s too short. In the end, surely happiness trumps vanity?
7 NO ICKY STICKY DRESSINGS
AS A Vogue editor you are often expected to wear the designer’s clothes at a fashion event. How many hours have I spent trying to find something to borrow that suited me? I really wasn’t comfortable in this bright turquoise dress, Versace I think, at the Fashion Rocks for The Prince’s Trust at the Albert Hall in 2007. Had I been more aware, I might have removed the plaster from my arm. Some signs of illness or disability can add credibility – think Coleen Rooney’s leg brace during the Wagatha Christie trial, or model Lila Moss’s glucose monitor. But a bog-standard plaster after a blood test does not enhance a girl’s style.