BEL MOONEY

Childlike, I danced in a dream; Blessings emblazoned that day; Everything glowed with a gleam; Yet we were looking away! FROM THE SELF-UNSEEING BY THOMAS HARDY (NOVELIST AND POET, 1840–1928)

DEAR Bel,

I READ your page on December 23, kept it and read it again the next day because it made me so angry.

I am referring to the letter from a 64year-old lady called Cynthia, moaning about her life, and her husband, and asking if she should put up or shut up. Why am I still so affected by this?

I, too, am 64 years old ? my husband a kind and gentle man, like hers. The difference is, my beloved husband died in May. So I am sitting here writing to you, alone on Christmas Day.

Broken, devastated and in floods of tears. That’s why I want to scream at Cynthia to count her blessings. To cherish every moment with her husband.

I would give anything and everything to just have a few more hours with my beloved, who was my absolute world.

We didn’t have children. We only ever needed each other. Now it feels as if my insides have been ripped out.

I will never feel happiness again, nor do I want to - not without him.

For the lady to complain as she did is an insult to the thousands of us who are recently bereaved. I am imagining your inbox will be inundated with letters like mine and the probability is that you will never even see this email.

But I had to write it, despite the screen being covered in tears. I do like your column normally, but had to tell you how I feel.

MAY

EVEN though you don’t write with a specific question, I have chosen your letter because at this time of year many people are consumed with additional grief for loved ones, because Christmas and New Year bring back memories of merry times.

Most movingly, your letter expresses the devastating ache of grief and bleak realisation that life can never ever be the same.

Others will understand precisely how you feel and why my ‘Christmas’ column was so upsetting for you. I think it’s important that you feel you could let off steam here ? and just want you to know that I do read all letters.

Before I share some thoughts, let me introduce JN, who wrote in a similar vein: ‘I value your downto-earth good common sense, never more so than in your response to Cynthia.

‘My husband died 20 years ago this month and nothing would give me greater happiness than to share mundane everyday tasks with him and enjoy the contentment of doing nothing together.

‘If only Cynthia could treasure her husband’s kindness, sense of humour, interest in sport and stability. She needs to value what she has, as I think she would soon see how difficult life can be without the support of a loving partner.’

Of course you are both right. Most people would do well to learn from you and realise that counting your blessings is always a worthwhile activity. It’s why I suggested Cynthia keep a gratitude journal ? a good resolution for 2024.

Even if you haven’t lost a loved one, big changes within a family can cause you to look back and ask yourself: ‘Why didn’t I notice and appreciate it more when we were all so happy that day?’

But isn’t it human nature to become preoccupied by daily discontents, so that we miss that bigger picture?

I felt Cynthia’s letter expressed quite a common attitude in later life, when you can’t help wondering what might have been different.

And, after all, it is far from heinous to observe the faults of our loved ones; perfectly possible to feel frustrated by failings yet acknowledge affection, at the same time.

Anyway, I think both of you will be relieved and pleased that I heard back from Cynthia: ‘Thank you so much for printing my letter? I am truly honoured that you chose it to share with your readers. You have enabled me to put into perspective my feelings and, of course, every word of advice you gave is the truth!

‘I must admit, your words come as no surprise and I do believe I knew all along what my path to the future should be. I just needed someone to tell me. As you say, happiness cannot be measured by wealth or material things.

‘It comes from within. I will now be able to move forward with my lovely, kind husband and look forward to being the grandma I so want to be?’ You see, May? There is no need to be ‘annoyed’ with her. She was just having a ‘blip’ ? and now understands. But I’m glad to be able to print both your letters as a way to underline how important it is to give each other a little leeway.

There is no single story; we are bound in fear, joy and grief.

For seven months now you have lived without your beloved husband and feel the loss afresh every single day. I wish you strength to struggle through this dark time, hoping that your memories of life with the man you loved will be a blessing, not a burden.

You say you will never ‘feel happiness again’ and do not want to. I understand that, but also wish, from the bottom of my heart, that in a few months you will notice the first spring flowers and feel a tiny spurt of life within, sparked by their beauty.

I’ve no doubt that is what your husband would want, therefore I hope that, as the months pass, you will gradually do things you both used to enjoy, knowing that wherever you go you are carrying him with you, body, mind and spirit.