MY GRANDKIDS ARE SO DEMANDING!
DEAR Bel,
ONE of my daughters separated 18 months ago - and since then my grandchildren have become very bad-mannered and demanding.
My daughter seems to pander to their every wish without any discipline; for example, letting them disrupt arrangements about childcare if they don’t want to ‘do it’.
Neither will sleep at their dad’s house, therefore she has them every night. She is now asking me to accompany her and the two grandchildren on a five-day holiday in July - with us all in one room. The children would be sleeping on sofa beds in the lounge area. I don’t think it would be a good idea.
Should I speak up about the discipline and face the cost to our relationship - or keep quiet?
LYNDA
WHETHER or not a person is a grandparent, the question of commenting on the lives of family members is at the heart of many problems.
Should I speak my mind or stay quiet? Shall I make it ‘my business’? This common question affects friendships, too. Deep affection can find itself at odds with a well-meaning (but sometimes interfering) urge to speak the truth.
The trouble is, plain-speaking can involve a high price. You’re just one of many older people critical of different standards today. Is it so wrong to expect kids to greet you pleasantly, to look up from their wretched phones and be able to make conversation?
I was critical of the parenting styles of other women as long ago as the mid-1970s. ‘Oooh, don’t do that, darling’ they would coo to the little monster who had just smashed a car on my toddler’s head. In my 20s, I was much stricter than my laissezfaire peers and sensed that being too child-centred can lead to scars on your own back.
Standards and manners apart, the proposed holiday is very much your business. Your two grandchildren are still adjusting to their parents’ split, and (no matter what people protest) this is far from easy.
They’ve had to adjust to the fallout from quarrels, tears, complicated arrangements and tension, parental guilt, a wish to compensate, having two bedrooms, realising they can play one parent off against the other, and so on.
Their lives have been disrupted; so realising they have the power to disrupt right back must be satisfying at times, no matter how young they are. Understanding is vital.
On most occasions I suspect it’s better for a grandparent to take a deep breath and zip that lip. But that doesn’t mean you should feel obliged to cram into one room with a stressed daughter and two children. I think you should be tactful yet honest with your daughter but avoid falling out with her, at all costs. I’d tell her quietly and firmly that your energy levels are not what they were and you need much more sleep. That’s why you don’t think this holiday plan will work - unless you have your own room and can claim peaceful time on your own during the day.
That would be one compromise. Another would be to suggest you take a trial weekend break together, but - again - you must have your own room. I’d be cautious on the discipline front, but make very sure that when they are around you they listen to what you want.