Here’s how to find YOUR magic number

By psychosexual therapist and author of The Science Of Sex, KATE MOYLE

WHEN it comes to having sex there is no such thing as the perfect number. Frequency is not a good measure of sexual wellbeing. If you’re having really satisfying sex three times a year and that works for everyone involved, then there’s no problem.

Tackle ‘desire discrepancy’

ONE of the biggest reasons couples come to therapy is ‘desire discrepancy’, where one wants more sex than the other. The answer, though most people find this excruciating, is to discuss the issue.

FLAG the conversation in advance (‘Shall we talk about sex this week?’) rather than springing it on your partner. USE an article, a podcast or a sexy scene in a movie as a trigger. BE POSITIVE. Try revisiting amazing sex you have had and asking, ‘How do you feel about our sex life at the moment?’ BE OPEN to hearing how your partner feels and try not to hear their answers as a personal attack. Focus on building ‘sexual currency’ — all the cues that make you feel like having sex. That might mean suggesting going to bed (together) a little earlier, or it might be an affectionate kiss or offering a cuddle. A lingering look or touch can help to create useful space for sexual desire to build.

Adopt a sensual frame of mind

AIM to prioritise the sexual part of your relationship but without a specific expectation of frequent sexual interaction.

Desire is impacted by everything that is going on around us, and it can be made more available to you if you know how to switch from functional mode to a more open and sensual frame of mind (a relaxing shower? Dimming the lights?)

Drop Hollywood sex

LOWER your expectations from Hollywood-style fireworks. Be reassured that sexual satisfaction can be derived through myriad forms of intimacy.