I’M TERRIFIED MY TEENAGER IS AT RISK
DEAR Bel,
I WRITE because I feel such sadness and am so sickened by the increasing reports of teenage violence. Despite the best efforts of many, young people are surrounded by darkness. What’s going on, that we live at a time when children are killing other children?
They do not ask to be born. It is the responsibility of their parents or guardians to act as a moral compass and steer them towards showing kindness and compassion for others ? not violence.
What words of comfort can you offer the parents, families and friends of these children who are taken away from them in such tragic circumstances? In these dark days, what advice do you have for countless parents like me, who worry so terribly about their children and are frightened the same is going to happen to them? My only child (conceived with difficulty later in life) is in his mid-teens and I’m so frightened that something is going to happen to him. Ever since I had cancer, I really appreciate the fragility of life: how precious it is; how quickly and violently it can be snatched away. I tell my son to be careful when out and wary of strangers, even in the company of friends. What can I do to keep him safe and to stop worrying so much?
SHEILA
YOUR email arrived and I’d edited it before the news from Bristol’s Knowle West, just 20 minutes from our house.
Max Dixon (16) and Mason Rist (15) were stabbed to death near their homes. I would not dare to offer ‘words of comfort’ to their families, but as you can imagine, the groundswell of compassion locally is huge.
On the local news I watched mothers gather on the estate, one calling loudly for all parents to check what their sons are doing: ‘Nobody needs to go out carrying a knife.’
She is right, of course, but how realistic is it really for parents (sometimes, I’m sad to point out, weighed down by problems or too busy) to police their sons?
All of which leads to your heartfelt letter, which countless mothers will read with painful fellow feeling. How to protect your beloved son must keep you awake at night, and I know it would be cruel of me to suggest that the only way we can keep children safe is to lock them up in their bedrooms with no mobile phones. Yet what else can be said?
You and I know it’s the truth. I look back ruefully at my children’s teens and 20s, when I know they took risks. And now, I have four grandchildren to worry about. I’m afraid there’s no end to it. Parenting equals an end to peace of mind.
Be assured, you are doing all you can do. Your son is old enough to watch the news and be spoken to clearly. Warn him, yes ? but don’t make him too afraid to live his life, with growing independence.
Encourage him to bring friends home and hang out there, making sure you give them space, providing snacks and other sustenance ? but not fussing.
It’s impossible for me to help you to stop worrying, but I do warn you that too much anxiety can get on our children’s nerves.
You are a wonderful mother. Remember that. Breathe deeply, and take care of yourself.