My son is so sad, my husband is distant. I can’t cope

DEAR Bel,

I AM not suicidal. I really do not want to take my own life. But, oh how I wish it was all over. Sometimes I just long to be lying in a warm comfy bed, surrounded by my nearest and dearest, listening to them quietly chatting away and then to gradually drift away into calm and eternal stillness.

My husband and I are both 70 - married for more than 40 years with four children and five grandchildren close by. That brings both the joy and the hard work our children expect from us.

I believe my husband has Asperger’s he is very insular and introverted. If I write a list of jobs he will carry them out, but no list and nothing is done. But he is very different with our grandchildren, playing daft games and singing.

I still work part-time. I should retire, but going to work is my escape. My husband is semi-retired with a consultancy, but will shut himself in his study at home for long hours.

We muddle along in quiet contentment.

Last year my son’s marriage broke down. She kept the house and the children. He moved back home, broken and depressed. He had given up a well-paid job which gave him more time with the children so his wife could build her career.

So now he has little chance of getting himself a home. He is so sad and our quiet dull life (which suits us) must be torture for him.

When we thought things had hit rock bottom, he was landed with a dog - bought for his children after he had left. But it bites and barks, they have lost interest and his ex won’t keep it.

It’s nearly a year old and is only tiny but untrained. It won’t be left in a room on its own and nights are awful. We all end up shouting at each other.

My son is in tears at the havoc he’s caused. When the dog is good, he is adorable. But how long can we survive the toxic atmosphere my depressed son and manic dog have caused?

I don’t know what to do. I know I have to just carry on: homemaker and peace-keeper. Caring for everyone but feeling desolate and low.

Between a small, crowded house, a husband blind to what is going on, except to get cross and shout (he never has any solutions or ideas), a heartbroken and depressed son and a dog that will one day be utterly delightful (but not yet) - I long desperately for peace and quiet and tranquillity.

I know there are no solutions except to gird up my loins, grit my teeth, smile and get on with it. But I would appreciate your words of calm wisdom and encouragement and the promise of a sunnier tomorrow. CAROL

FIRST, I am so very sorry for your son and the pain that he has had to endure. The emotional upheaval at the end of a marriage is huge and can seem endless.

He might benefit from counselling. I hope he and his ex have custody sorted out so that he has plenty of access to his children.

Your longer letter explains how, after moving out, he bought the little dog (in response to his children begging) because he ‘thought it would give them a focus’. A bad idea.

His ex probably had no interest in the animal, and it requires an involved adult to train and care for a dog. Dogs bark and bite for a reason, picking up on emotional distress around them, so this poor pet must be unhappy and urgently needs to be trained.

Then he/she will settle down and will bring the whole family (you most of all, I dare to predict) much delight, which is why it should be the first priority.

Dog trainers usually run regular classes. Since your husband so enjoys his grandchildren’s visits, might be this be something you could add to his list to research? Yes, you need to instruct him, but why shouldn’t he help? Assuring him that a sweet, playful wee pooch will please all the grandchildren might be a good motivation.

It may seem unfair that I’ve started with your son and the dog, instead of focusing on your exhaustion and longing for peace. But of course, sorting the pair of them out will help your own life immeasurably, won’t it?

You are the kind of woman whose life is dominated by a need to give, give, give - but doesn’t receive nearly enough consideration back. The family must start observing your needs, as well as their own.

You cry in the bathroom so nobody sees, and put up with the chaos - until you snap and start shouting. Not good for you or your poor son.

The first move should be to sit down formally, as if for a proper meeting, with your son and husband, and tell them calmly and clearly exactly how you are feeling. You must plan how to make things better, starting with the dog. If you continue feeling so anxious, frustrated and stressed, there’s a danger you could have some sort of a breakdown. And what good would that be to them all?

I completely understand the lonely feeling of not being ‘allowed’ to be upset and show weakness. I also understand your longing for peace. But you must stop smiling and being too easy to exploit. Let those who love you know.

I wish it need not have happened in my time,’ said Frodo. ‘So do I,’ said Gandalf, ‘And so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us

FROM THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING (CHAPTER 2) BY J.R.R. TOLKIEN