MUST I CELEBRATE MY BIG BIRTHDAY?
DEAR Bel,
I AM approaching my 80th birthday on June 6. I am now single, live alone in my own bungalow with no money worries and have three lovely children, all married, and three grandsons.
I’m healthy and love being at home, reading, watching TV or walking my two dogs on the beach.
My daughter is the middle one, who keeps everyone in check. She knows how to handle her two brothers and me, too. She is a planner whereas I am, I suppose, a bit of a ‘I’ll see to it later’ kind of person.
My ‘problem’ (I know it is small, and enviable, in a way) is her pressuring me into planning birthday celebrations. I’m not a party person! I’d be happy just to go out for a meal with the family. I have tried to slow her down, but she thinks we need to book things early. My elder son thinks I should let her do her thing, my youngest reckons I should tell her to lay off, as it’s my own birthday.
I have family in the Netherlands who would come over, which would be great, but then I’d be putting everyone to great expense. My daughter says they’d all be very happy with that and she’s probably right, but it still makes me uncomfortable.
I am in such a quandary, both liking and loathing the very idea of a party and not wishing to deprive my family of helping me celebrate, but sort of wishing it was all over already. My daughter is doing this out of love, but how can I stop her without hurting her feelings and jeopardising our relationship?
GLENDA
YOU made it quite clear that you know how lucky you are and even expressed a degree of embarrassment at sharing what is on your mind.
I often remind readers (who might jump to criticise) that every problem - even if it seems trivial - matters to the person experiencing it.
There is a sense of dignified rebellion underlying your letter, which I have seen more than once in older people, including my own late parents. It expresses a dislike of being dictated to, as if no longer capable of making decisions for themselves.
The most affectionate, well-meaning bossiness can feel patronising and (whisper it) just a bit too controlling. It’s quite possible to know that the persuasion is motivated by love, yet at the same time to wish it could be dialled down. If you told me that you detest the idea of this party, then I’d know exactly what to say. But you don’t hate the idea, it just makes you anxious.
Given that you are torn between ‘liking and loathing’ - your daughter’s plan, my advice to you is to follow your elder son’s advice and go with the flow. Always choose the positive, not the negative. Always say yes to life, rather than turning your back on it.
Let your daughter invite whom she likes, because wouldn’t it be marvellous to see old friends and share a jolly time with them? Your peace at home, and walking with those dogs, sounds idyllic. You can live the life you love - OK, lucky woman - 364 days of the year. But time is shortening now for you, as it is for me, so why not allow one night of generosity, laughter and love?