I changed after heart attack - so my partner ran away

The world is what was given, The world is what we make And we only can discover/ Life in the life we make. FROM LONDON RAIN BY LOUIS MACNEICE (N. IRISH POET, 1907-1963)

DEAR Bel,

ALTHOUGH I’m not sure what I hope to achieve by writing, I still have questions regarding my relationship breakdown.

Perhaps I’m hoping my ex-partner will read the letter and realise that it was never my intention to hurt her and that I really was going through some sort of mental breakdown following a myocardial infarction (MI).

Five years ago I was in a wonderful, loving relationship ? then I had the MI. It turned my world upside down and inside out. I’m sure my partner was as loving and caring as she always had been but I have no recollection of the period following my attack.

Apparently I turned into a completely different person.

Not being able to remember events after the MI, coupled with my partner leaving, has left me feeling abandoned, alone, empty and extremely unhappy.

I have plenty of friends but I can still manage to feel alone in a room full of people. I rarely go out now, only if I really need to.

I visit my family every so often just so they don’t worry about me. I haven’t spoken to anyone because they’d only fuss and constantly check up on me, which is the last thing I need.

The most difficult part of the whole sad story is that my expartner didn’t/doesn’t believe me. I have never, ever lied to her but she has chosen not to believe me.

I thought she would have been more understanding because she has had issues of her own in the past to deal with. Unfortunately, she’s a very determined, dare I say stubborn, woman.

She was, still is, the only woman I have ever truly loved and I miss her terribly. I think back to the trouble we had to go through to be together. It wasn’t easy but we made it work.

I don’t understand why she could possibly think that I would knowingly throw it all away. I know she thinks I deliberately drove her away, but nothing could be further from the truth. Her leaving was certainly not what I wanted but I had no idea what was happening.

It was only after Covid struck that my head and my emotions began to return to something resembling normality. Only then did I realise exactly what had happened.

All my hopes, plans and dreams for the future were built around her. I loved her totally ? why would I knowingly drive her away?

BERNARD

THE usual phrase for MI is ‘heart attack’ - and I confess my initial puzzlement over the medical term you chose is only matched by a slight confusion about the events you describe.

I send sympathy for your distress, yet also have plenty of questions, just as you have. You say you had a mental breakdown after the heart attack and can remember nothing, but surely you must have asked your partner exactly how you behaved, which was appalling enough to drive her away? Did you have those conversations?

You use the word ‘hurt’ which implies serious emotional damage to her. Then, how were you ‘different’ after the MI? Did she leave you while you were still in that mental state, or afterwards?

You mention Covid - are you saying you contracted the virus too? It’s not clear. You are lucky enough to ‘have plenty of friends’. Haven’t you sought their insight and advice concerning the period you can’t remember?

I’d have thought they would be able and very willing to answer your questions in some detail and at least offer an inkling of why your partner couldn’t stay the course. Somebody you know well should be able to give guidance.

Can you see why, somehow, your email doesn’t quite hang together? After being ill, you behaved in such a way to cause your ‘loving and caring’ - but stubborn - girlfriend to leave you, but you have no idea why and are now lonely and reclusive, keeping everybody at a distance, which can’t help your state of mind.

It’s interesting that you say (almost accidentally) that you and your girlfriend ‘went through trouble to be together’.

Then you sound quite resentful when you say: ‘I’d have thought she would have been more understanding because she has had issues of her own in the past.’

What ‘issues’, I wonder? Have you thought seriously about counselling to help you make sense of events?

A mental breakdown needs ongoing help. I believe the process of finding the right therapist is in itself a helpful exercise.

I ask all the questions above to encourage you to be honest with yourself about what went wrong. Pieces of this jigsaw are missing, and only you can find them ? with the help I suggest.

You admit your relationship ‘wasn’t easy’. It’s just possible that you had become too needy ? and then (through no fault of your own) began lashing out verbally because of the terrible shock to your system of the MI. Then she decided she had just had enough.

I’m not writing that bluntly to hurt you, but you will continue to be unhappy unless you start with as much help as possible to accept the past and move on.