Changing who gets to propose won’t give us equality

PICTURE the scene – all over the world this weekend, men waking up and stretching, admiring the new rock on their wedding band finger. OK, maybe that’s a little ambitious, but what’s even more ludicrous is the idea that a woman would ask them for their hand in marriage in the first place.

Yes, February 29 may have come and gone, and with it the once-in-four-years opportunity for a female – perish the thought – to take charge of one of life’s most important decisions and propose to her male partner.

By the way, this bizarre superstition only really concerns you if you’re in a heterosexual relationship, or superstitious, or still believe that marriage is relevant in today’s society.

And similar to other strange folklore beliefs, such as having an itchy palm meaning you’re about to come into money, and accidentally putting your knickers on inside out means you’re going to have some good luck (?!), the strange custom has its roots in Irish mythology.

We can thank St Brigid for the Ladies’ Privilege (as it’s also called).

Apparently, back in the day (around the 5th century), Brigid met St Patrick to ask him to allow women to propose to their male partners who hadn’t yet taken the step themselves.

St Patrick granted women the permission to propose every seven years, but our Brigid managed to bargain him down to every four years when there was a Leap Day.

What, wait? So this tradition was actually given the green light by a man? Nothing surprising there I suppose, but anyway, that’s beside the point. The fact is, for all our progress in egalitarianism and equity, this is one cultural norm that’s not for turning.

The male proposal remains carved into our society, deepening over millennia, and although some brave females have indeed popped the question to their men on bended knee, a 2017 study by bridal website The Knot showed that less than 1% of brides were the ones who proposed.

Famous females in the minority include Rita Ora, right, who asked film-maker Taika Waititi to marry her, and Frozen actress Kristen Bell, below, who made her big question even more meaningful by waiting until the state of California passed same-sex marriage legislation to ask her nowhusband Dax.

And in a 2005 interview with Ellen DeGeneres, Britney Spears said she was the one to pop the question to her ex-husband and father off her sons, Kevin Federline. However, it didn’t quite go to plan. ‘Actually, I was a little rejected at first. I kind of got slapped down,’ she said.

ACCORDING to Today. com, in response, Federline said: ‘I told her that it’s not right for the woman to ask the man. The man’s supposed to get on one knee and do it right. It took me about five minutes, and then I turned around and asked her.’ Kind of defeating the purpose there, Kevin, but his entrenched values are reflective of much of society’s, harking back to a time when women essentially belonged to their husbands and marriage provided the legal stability to keep property in families, and to guarantee biological heirs.

While we’ve happily waved goodbye to other unsavoury elements of the patriarchy, it seems a little dumbfounding that we still, ultimately, want and expect the man to pursue and protect us.

Besides risking life-endangering mortification if your man says no, could you imagine the horror of actually having to buy your own ring?

I am including myself in this cohort of unassertive females, by the way. I’ve been engaged twice, and neither time did it ever occur to me to pop the question to my then partner. I preferred to sit on my ringless hands for years – yes, years – while dropping not-sosubtle jokey hints on relationship anniversaries and special occasions that time was ticking.

Fairy tales have a lot to answer for, and try as I might, I couldn’t shake the idea of my own Prince Charming wanting me so much that he would beg for my hand in marriage. I would have thrown a white horse and a sunset in there for good measure too.

As various friends got engaged before me, I tried to be patient and not grump like an insolent child. Finally, I did walk up the aisle – and, as it happens, back down again (in both the physical and metaphorical sense, given my now-separated status).

Whether we like to admit it or not, we still have a way to go when it comes to emotional equality. Men have to be accepting of women proposing, and similarly, we need to shed the idea that we are desperate or pushy if we do.

The decline in traditional church weddings and upsurge in bespoke, more personal ceremonies show that more and more, we are rewriting the rules of tradition.

Marriage is no longer a necessity for provision, but a real way to profess love, should you wish to do so.

Ladies, the choice is yours.