Make the time to be with them
BRENDA POWER is mother to Elodie, 30, Jim, 28, Camille, 25, Louis, 22, and 20-year-old Juliette. Elodie is an estate agent, Jim is a zoologist who also teaches swimming, Camille is a doctor, Louis is the bass player in a rock band called Basht and Juliette is studying social science in Trinity. She says:
‘MY own mum was the “good cop”, my father was on a slightly shorter fuse so if you had something to confess — a broken window or a bad school report, for example — you went to her first and she intervened and that’d usually be the end of it. But if you waited until he found out, all bets would be off.
Since I was basically a lone parent from when Juliette was 10 months old, I had to be both good and bad cop, trying be reasonable and approachable for genuine problems or mistakes, but strict and cross when someone was pushing their luck.
I was the only girl with five brothers, and the main lesson I learned from that upbringing was that everyone should be treated as equals. We grew up on a farm and everyone helped out. It made us all very close as siblings and the main thing I’ve always wanted for my children is for them to have that connection — I think they do.
I feel sorry for children who are over-protected, pampered and cossetted, given everything they want without having to earn or save or work for it. The big bad world just won’t be that kind to them. That said, I do think you have to give them a strong sense of security, support and approval from early on.
I’d have encouraged them to stand up for themselves, but you have to tread a fine line when that comes to defying authority — teachers had to be respected, even if I completely agreed that they were wrong/unfair/mean.
I think those parents who run to the school to complain over every tiny issue, believing they’re supporting their kids, are actually doing the opposite. Too much emotional navel-gazing easily turns into brittle narcissism, and that’s not good for anyone.
Without doubt I think smartphones are an absolute curse on an entire generation. Luckily my older kids were in their teens when smartphones started
Fun times: Brenda with, from left, Elodie, Juliette, Louis, Camille and Jim to become commonplace in schools, but the younger ones have grown up with them and they’re proper digital natives.
The biggest challenge for me was just time, since I was on my own and working, making time to get to school plays and sports days and parent/teacher meetings or just to be at the school gate as often as I could, cook a meal and do homework, watch a movie or read a story. I remember wearing a scruffy old cardigan one evening, and Camille said, “that’s my favourite cardigan”. I asked why and she said, “because when you put it on it means you’re not going out”.
Being a young parent today is incredibly difficult. I know every generation thinks they have it tougher than the previous lot, but smartphones really are a game-changer. No other generation of parents has ever had to navigate such a dangerous landscape on so many fronts: at least when we were kids the bullies stayed in the playground, they didn’t follow you home to your bedroom.
My advice to new mums now is do not sweat about sleepless nights — they don’t last! In fact, it all goes much faster than you can possibly imagine. Put on the scruffy old cardi and make the time to be at home with them, when you can, because that’s what they’ll remember.
I’m fiercely proud of all my kids, they’re all very different, they’re all independent, they’re all kind, decent, thoughtful people. It’s increasingly hard to get everyone around the kitchen table for dinner but when we do, we sit for hours chatting and they’re just the funniest bunch of people I know. They’ll be fine.’