Ignore most of the advice you’re given
MARY CARR is mum to 22-yearold twins Isabelle, who is studying law, and Joey, who is doing a Masters in business. She says:
‘MY mother was always at home when I got in from school and I think that made me feel secure. I tried to replicate that when I had a family, in so far as my children had the same minder growing up and were looked after by her at home when I was working.
When I was a child, the emphasis was on practical parenting rather than on the emotional side of things and while it was far from ideal, I think it gave me a perspective about not getting too involved in micromanaging my children’s lives.
My parents encouraged me to do my best in school and I made sure my children knew they had to make an effort also. But after that, I left it up to them. I had no clue what my son put down on his CAO form — no one was more surprised than me at his studying languages in university.
When it comes to mental health, I don’t think young people are any less resilient today. It might be the opposite, in fact.
Growing up has always been hard for lots of youngsters. If they are reporting higher levels of anxiety it might be because they are more emotionally literate and have a vocabulary to describe their feelings.
My biggest challenge by far was trying to look after my kids when they were tiny after a day at the office. My husband worked nights, so I was on my own and it was chaotic and exhausting. As they got older, what was undoubtedly tough was accepting that I had no obvious influence over them. They seemed to believe I knew nothing about anything.
On the publicity tour for All Of Us Strangers, a film about coming out as gay to your parents, actor Andrew Scott said: ‘Be kind to your parents, they’re living life for the first time too.’ I must remember to tell my kids that.
My kids’ generation was the last to have an early childhood devoid of electronics. I gave them mobile phones and iPhones as soon as they came on the market without thinking about it. If I could do it again, I would delay smartphones for as long as possible and give limited screen time.
While there are new pressures on teenagers from social media, consumerism and high parental expectations, in the past there were different pressures.
Society was still quite repressed, children had no agency, they were literally seen and not heard, and they were often brutalised.
I know too many men and women whose childhoods were scarred by abuse.
Children today know about boundaries and staying safe. There are child protection measures in every organisation and policies about bullying so in that sense childhood has vastly improved.
The pandemic wreaked havoc on development too and I am proud of the way my own children dealt with lockdown. It was a massive blow, robbing them of their first years in college. I hope they can tackle the other challenges life throws at them with the same grace.
I’m loathe to offer guidance on parenting. I’m of the belief, in fact, to ignore most of the advice — every child is different so just tune into the one you have.
But what I will say is, this too shall pass. It’s true, everything changes. The child who is having a hard time and lost a friend might be as happy as a clam next week.’