I still feel desire and long for a good man in my life

ELAINE KINGETT, 74

THE mother of three is single and runs life-writing holidays in Spain (write-it-down.co.uk/spain). ACCORDING to a recent study, more than a third of men and women in the 70+ age group say their desire and libido has not diminished with age. How reassuring — I had been beginning to think, at 74, that it was only me. Mine has never left the building.

For 32 years, from the tender age of 17, I had a loving, fun and satisfying relationship with my husband, until he died at 53. We always fancied each other, shared hopes, dreams, adventures and, of course, arguments, but we never reached the dreaded state of disillusionment and disappointment that I’ve witnessed in some other long-term relationships.

I was very lucky that the painful reality — due to diminishing hormones after the menopause which, understandably, puts so many women off sexual intercourse — never happened to me.

I took HRT from the age of 50 to 60, and my creative imagination and vibrator satisfied my single status. My gynaecologist was insistent that, whenever I didn’t have a partner, ‘You should use it or lose it, madam!’

The term ‘libido’, from the Latin for desire and lust, was first employed by neurologist Sigmund Freud in 1894.

Desire is a much better description for what I continue to feel. Desire for physical closeness, intimate contact, an urge for the warmth of a man, skin to skin. I miss a good man in my life. I miss their different energy. I miss the scent of a man.

Lust is too fierce a word. Making love is what it’s all about; having sex sounds like a cold, calculated act carried out between two emotionally uninvolved individuals, without even a cup of tea afterwards.

Of course, one’s libido can be adversely affected by so many factors — not just ageing, but biological, psychological and social elements, too.

Add to that the side-effects — only now beginning to be widely understood — of SSRI antidepressants, such as escitalopram and sertraline, which can cause a drop in libido and an inability to feel any sexual sensations at all. It’s a wonder any of us ever feel sexy, even with Viagra to help us along!

Despite having had breast cancer, a heart attack, three big babies, osteoarthritis, hearing aids, glasses and a face that owes far too much to sunbathing on the beach in my younger days — covered in baby oil while smoking a fag — I still fancy my chances of meeting someone.

I am so grateful to be alive and know from experience that life can be shockingly short.

For me, an intimate relationship with a man I love, trust and respect is an integral part of life; something fun, rewarding and reassuring.

I have great friends and family, and work that I adore, but sex, intimacy and, yes, companionship are the icing on the cake.

My recent relationship, which ended a few weeks ago, served only to confirm everything I’ve always believed but was beginning to doubt, after a hiatus of eight years.

Sex at 74 can be just as delightful and life-affirming as it was at 50 or 60, and I don’t want to depart this earth without ever experiencing that euphoria again.