I CAN’T STOP MY SON DROWNING IN DEBT

DEAR Bel,

OVER the years, my son (50 and a talented graphic designer) has never managed money, often borrowing from me, my husband or his late father. During lockdown, Matthew was depressed so we paid for some counselling.

We helped so much, especially my husband, who was very generous, seeing as it’s his stepson.

Not a lot changed until August 2021 when I was poorly, brought on by the stress, and told my son he must get a permanent job. He did - and earns about €3,000 month. But still says he cannot manage.

In December, I tackled him again about the constant ‘borrowing’ (since September I haven’t been repaid). To compound things, his partner of 14 years, Tina, has no idea! Last weekend we wanted to talk through his dire money issues with his partner but he warned if I tell Tina it would be the end of their relationship.

He refuses our help and recently stole money from his eight-year-old son’s money-box. I’ve told Matthew there’ll be no more money from the Bank of Mum as it’s crucifying me.

FIONA

A50-YEAR-OLD man with a profession who steals from his eight-year-old son’s money box? I find it very hard to process that, and so will the readers. A deadbeat druggie on heroin, yes - but not a talented guy with a salary.

The other strange thing about this story (your unedited letter was three times as long) is that he and Tina have a joint account from which she just takes money as she needs it.

You rightly see that as ‘part of the problem’ - and yet she’s ignorant of his borrowing and debt, after 14 years. In denial, he doesn’t open bank statements - but why doesn’t she?

This careless couple are in a mess, aided and abetted by the people around them. You say you don’t think the money is going on drugs ‘as he seems OK in himself’. But you can be a high-functioning cocaine addict. Since a gram of cocaine can cost around €90 and might last just a day or two, debt can soon accrue.

Addiction can cause appalling behaviour, like stealing from a child’s savings.

Addicts lose control. And the story of your son’s adulthood is marked by a total lack of control.

I’d suggest total honesty within the family. If she cannot cope and chooses to leave him, then that might be the best outcome - and there is nothing you, as his mum, can do about it. Now’s the time for some Tough Loveand that means (in this case) letting go.