Simon (the Elder) plays the host in MEP sideshow off coronation street
QUITE the turnout of ministers attended what should have been a low-key, uncontested MEP nomination for Midlands-North-West in Fine Gael.
As it happened, the press conference before the main event at the Sheraton Athlone Hotel featured Simon Coveney, Paschal Donohoe, Helen McEntee and Heather Humphreys from the seniors.
But there was no Simon Harris, who is busy getting mysterious.
His absence was more than made up for by the junior ministerial team of Hildegarde Naughton, Patrick O’Donovan, Neale Richmond, Kieran O’Donnell, Peter Burke and Martin Heydon.
Simon (the Elder) Coveney bravely noted it was all about Simon (the Younger) Harris.
The terrible question was of course asked as to whether Simon (the Younger) would be injecting new blood in the Cabinet.
A couple of the more ambitious juniors stared like piranhas as Coveney said the new man had ‘difficult choices’ to make.
Downcast Finance Minister Paschal Donohoe agreed, as did Justice Minister Ms McEntee.
The silent junior ministers stared increasingly hungrily.
Suddenly the boy Simon is the boss. They grow up so fast.
THE actual event provided us with another example of how coronations are becoming quite the norm in Fine Gael. As the party’s Bonnie Prince Simon – the king who is no longer a pretender – unfurled his political standard, it had been expected there would be a contest to get onto the Fine Gael team of two for Midlands-North-West.
However, farmer Colm Markey, the incumbent, when faced with the tag-team of former Rose of Tralee winner Maria Walsh and former Dancing With The Stars winner, jockey and Ireland’s Fittest Family coach Nina Carberry quit while he was behind.
The convention still went ahead but the two candidates were just a Greek chorus – the main event was the new Fine Gael leader.
In Athlone, the resurrection was not quite of the Lazarus variety.
But when the Special One arrived, the air was musky with the special unforgettable scent of overexcited male Blueshirts.
One Fine Gael philosopher declared: ‘Love and new jobs are in the air.’
And a departing Fine Gael TD, who is now actively trying to manoeuvre their way back into the fold, mournfully said: ‘Party meetings are like a gathering of the dead poets’ society. It’s like the night of the living dead.’
By contrast, the Sheraton Hotel was filled with smiling Fine Gael worthies from Clare to Dublin Bay
South. To paraphrase that Game Of Thrones political philosopher, Littlefinger, chaos at the top can be a ladder to better places for the many. Or worse for some.
For now, the party is as sparkly and perfumed as the Dancing With The Stars contestant they had just chosen.
In the Sheraton, there was much talk of Kate O’Connell and the way she might smile at Simon.
Kate is the golden calf of that rural wing of Fine Gael which, like Michael McDowell, believes we have had quite enough of all that wokedom. She is the political catnip that makes traditional Fine Gael feel virile again.
This certainly appeared to be the case in the Sheraton, where a new mood was sweeping over a Fine Gael party that had increasingly begun to look like a Beckett play.
Amid standing ovations for Simon, the new leader told the Irish Daily Mail: ‘Its quite impressive – 600 or more. There’s standing room only.’
It wasn’t quite as crowded as Verona Murphy’s launch in the Wexford foothills of Vinegar Hill, but it came close.
Within the room, the recent long era of Fine Gael fretting over whether it might be reduced to being a small urban head minus a rural tail was over.
The mood was epitomised by party stalwart Michael Ring who, after a morning spent exorcising Wokes in RTÉ, arrived to nominate Maria Walsh.
In what was quite the valedictory moment, Mayo TD Ring asked the members to give a standing ovation to Simon Coveney for all the work he had done over the years.
The hungry junior ministers clapped quite enthusiastically.
There was another standing ovation when Ring informed the new leader: ‘I want to see you leading Fine Gael back to government and back to the core values of Fine Gael.’
And there was thunderous applause when Ring bawled: ‘This party is good in government. This is a party that loves government and this party wants to stay in government.’
INTRODUCING the new leader, Simon Coveney made sure to thank the old leader for all his work. There was a polite round of applause for that.
A clever speech by Simon Harris hit all the Fine Gael sweet spots, with the added benefit of scratching all of the itches.
There were references to ‘fundamental values, Fine Gael values, law and order’ and the evils of the ‘populism and polarisation’ of Sinn Féin versus Fine Gael’s ‘civility’.
The shiny new leader told his subjects: ‘My parents told me success is about liking what you do. I like what I do.’
At the close the leader roared: ‘I am up for it... Are you up for it?’ and the roof lifted.
Amid all the talk of values, everyone at the coronation was wondering about the executions.
Even as they prepared to be sent home in a cold sweat, they were wondering if Simon is the man who can stop the Fine Gael Doomsday clock from ticking.
Perhaps, but coronations can end badly. Just ask Brian Cowen. So too can smash-and-grabs, no matter how much shock and awe they are carried out with.
Just ask Leo.