Five signs you’re bad in bed — and how to get better

HOW do you know if you’re — whisper it — bad in bed? Do you worry that you lack experience, or that your beloved is underwhelmed by sex with you? Or maybe you believe that they’re the one with the problem, as they’re unenthusiastic between the sheets. What’s certain is that neither situation is good for your love life.

A survey from sex education website Beducated found that 60 per cent of respondents are not satisfied with their sex life. The worry? Your husband or wife could be one of the almost two in three who wish their sex lives were better.

Sex and relationship psychotherapist Miranda Christophers counsels many people who fear they are ‘bad in bed’. She says it leads to performance anxiety, which is counterproductive. ‘You want to go into a sexual experience carefree, and open, feeling good and safe,’ she says. Here, Christophers explains five common obstacles to great sex, and how to get the chemistry bubbling again . . .

Do you want the light off?

WHEN you lack body confidence you don’t feel free to be spontaneous, so you’re less responsive. You might insist on sex in the dark. It can help to focus on what you do like. Setting the mood with music or candles can help you feel sexier. Knowing what your partner loves about sex with you can be a boost. Tap into their desire.

Forget chores, get connected

SOME people need a tidy house before they can give sex their full attention. So be aware of what distracts you midpassion. People perceive sex as good when they feel relaxed, aroused and immersed. Good sex is also about being connected, losing yourself in the pleasure of it. If you do get distracted, practise thinking, ‘I’m going to focus on my bodily sensations.’

You never talk about sex...

IF YOU’RE too embarrassed to discuss sex with your partner, you can’t be sure of what they want. I often see this in longterm relationships. People are open early on, then fall into patterns of silence. Sex can become predictable. Talking might feel awkward — but it’s important.

People’s buttons can change

YOUR last partner loved that special technique of yours so it’s natural to think, ‘I know what buttons to press.’ But with every partner, sex is a blank canvas. You learn together — and keep learning — even if you’ve been married for decades. People’s preferences can change as their bodies change. How they want to be touched is always evolving.

Tune in to sync your libidos

THERE are many reasons why couples’ desire levels vary. If you’ve argued, they might not feel like it. Try not to see it as a rejection. Become attuned to what helps your partner feel desire (a fun evening with no sense of sexual obligation, perhaps), and your libidos may sync more often.

Miranda Christophers (miranda christophers.co.uk) is founder of The Therapy Yard. Beducated is an online platform for sex education for adults (beducated.com).