My advice on how mothers should talk to their children about cancer
AFTER hearing the Princess of Wales’ news, many parents will have thought of themselves and their own children. The recent passing of Saoirse Ruane at the age of just 12 will also no doubt have raised questions about cancer amongst children.
Over the course of my career I have worked in psycho-oncology, providing mental health support to patients with cancer and their families, and what to say to children about cancer and how is an issue we were confronted with often.
When I worked in breast surgery, I was frequently taken aback that, after being given a diagnosis of cancer, women’s first question was often what they would say to their children. Here’s what I used to say to the mothers I was helping…
KEEP TALKING
THE natural instinct is to want to protect children; that’s normal for any parent. But I have seen how sometimes this instinct can be misguided; shutting them out only makes them worry more.
They know something is happening. If you don’t keep them informed and up to date, it allows their imagination to run wild and they will start imagining the worst. Of course, how you broach the subject varies on the age of the child.
One thing to be mindful of is be prepared for what you say to older children to be relayed to any younger siblings. This is fine; it’s not helpful to keep secrets amongst children.
Creating a culture of being open and talking to them openly gives them permission to ask questions and to tell you how they feel.
Be honest with them – if they sense you’re hiding something or avoiding a topic, they might start to worry even more.
LET THEM HELP
MANY children — especially older ones — can feel very powerless. This can add to their distress. Rather than trying to protect them by keeping them away, give them the jobs you would normally do and explain how this is helping you in your recovery. Encourage them to volunteer to help out around the house or to care for younger siblings, and remember to praise them. Avoid criticising them if it’s not done to your standard. It’s not about the task, it’s about allowing them to feel useful.
PREPARE THEM
CHILDREN can cope with a lot if they are prepared for it. So if you’re going to lose your hair, or be very sick, explain that this is going to happen beforehand but remind them that this isn’t something to be upset about because it’s part of getting better.
Allow children to see images of hospital wards, scanning machines and so on to get them used to the words that they’ll overhear and allow them to have clear images in their head that aren’t scary or threatening.
Words like chemotherapy can sound scary, so we used to simply say ‘medicine’.
For younger children, we’d often get them to dress up as nurses, doctors and patients. They’d take it in turns to care for one another and would be encouraged to think about how the patient might feel and what the doctor or nurse could say to make them feel better.
REMEMBER ROUTINE
CHILDREN tend to flourish with structure. While there’s often disruption and uncertainty when undergoing cancer treatment, as best as you can, try to maintain their usual routine.
If things need to change — for example someone else has to pick them up from school — make sure they know in advance and remind them about it often. Explain if this is a one-off or if it is going to be regular.
FUN MATTERS
CANCER treatment can be gruelling and tiring. Try to arrange a fun family event — even if it’s something small like going to the park — on a regular basis. Make it clear to the children that this is family time and get them involved in planning for it.
TALK SEPARATE
CHILDREN overhear things. If you need to have an adult conversation, just assume you can’t have it in the house when the children are there. They’ll hear and even if they can’t they’ll often know you’re saying something you don’t want them to hear and this will make them worry.
Go for a walk or arrange for them to be out of the house. Those people that have offered to help? Give them a call and ask them to look after the children for an hour.
Ireland’s workplace smoking ban saved more than 3,700 lives in less than four years after its introduction. The official anniversary of the ban – the first of its kind in the world – falls on Good Friday. Now we need to eradicate smoking completely.
BRING THE SCHOOL IN
MAKE sure the school are aware and ask them to contact you if there are any problems — teachers are sometimes wary of getting in touch if there are any behavioural problems or changes because they think you’re dealing with enough.
Yet knowing about problems with your child can be very helpful in identifying that they are struggling and allow you to address it head on before things escalate.