OUR FRAGILE CHILDREN WON’T HEAL RIFT

DEAR Bel,

I HAVE two adult children - Jenna, 45, and Michael, 41. About four years ago Michael went through a fairly difficult time mentally after the end of a relationship. It was unexpected and resulted in months of suicidal thoughts, and just not being able to function.

All through this his father and I supported him in anyway we could.

Our problem began when my husband and I booked a much-needed holiday. While we were away Michael turned to his sister for support but unfortunately that did not go well.

It was the start of the new school term and (like many mums) Jenna was struggling to sort her children out that day.

Michael was unaware of this. He called for help and was met with a total lack of concern. In Michael’s eyes, Jenna hung him out to dry. I should mention that Jenna also had a mental breakdown some years ago. Now Michael will not forgive his sister and it has caused a huge divide.

I have pointed out to both that this is having such a detrimental effect on me and their dad - to no avail.

CHARLOTTE

AS THE parent of adult children I have nothing but sympathy. It always amazes me that younger parents seriously believe that once their children have grown, their parenting job is over.

Personally, I feel I’ll be worrying about my children and grandchildren as I draw my very last croaking breath.

Let’s pretend for a moment that we are talking about two other adults. In other words, you didn’t write this letter, nor is it about your children.

What do you think? It seems we are faced with two rather immature people, incapable of seeing how their behaviour affects others. Does that seem unfair? Yet it may also be accurate. Before people hit me with the ‘mental breakdown’ stick, I just want to repeat my belief (shared by many) that such a label is used too readily. I’m not saying Jenna and (especially) Michael did not suffer breakdowns; I’m just questioning why it is so easily used as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.

You’ve asked them both to think about the effect of their quarrel on you, their poor parents. But they don’t care. It suits them much more to clutch their victimhood to their chests for months.

You’ve tried being fair but my feeling is that you regard your daughter as more at fault. So what next? I would invite each of them to tea, without telling the other.

Confronting them with ‘the enemy’ may cause a fuss, but would enable you and your husband to do some tough talking.

How’s about your husband telling them he can’t stand what they are doing to their mother any more, and until they’re capable of saying a simple sorry to each other, you don’t want to see either of them? And what if you agreed?