EX STILL HAS A REAL HOLD OVER ME

Dear Coleen

My ex messages me from time to time and I always get sucked back into chatting to him. I have a boyfriend of six months who I love very much – he’s amazing and would do anything for me – but when I get these messages, I can’t help but respond. When we talk, it’s nothing sexual, but I worry he’ll tell my boyfriend or that he’ll find out some other way. I have no feelings towards my ex, so why can’t I let go? He used me for money and we were rarely intimate, but somehow he still has a hold over me. Sometimes I think we could be friends, but I’m not sure my boyfriend would accept that. What do you think?

Coleen says

I’m sure your ex-boyfriend’s ego is loving the fact that these messages can still hook you in. And you get an ego boost, too, knowing that he’s still interested but, deep down, you know exchanging messages is wrong or you wouldn’t be writing to me. My advice is, if you really love your partner and have no feelings for your ex, then don’t get drawn in. He used you – remember that? And he sounds controlling. You admit you got very little out of the relationship, so stop allowing him to have this power over you. Be clear that you don’t want him texting and don’t respond to any messages he sends. Perhaps way down the line you can be friends, but not now. Put yourself in your boyfriend’s position – if he was texting his ex, whether it was sexual or not, you’d feel hurt and insecure. Sometimes, you have to stand back and ask how you’d feel if you were in the other person’s shoes. You’ve only been seeing your boyfriend for six months, so it’s fairly new and vulnerable. Don’t let your ex derail it. That’s probably what he’s trying to do.