He wants to marry me, but I just can’t love him
Dear Coleen,
My husband died in 2011 and it wasn’t until 2015 that I felt ready to start dating again and live my life to the full. I wrote to a ladies’ magazine, which had a page dedicated to finding friends and romance, and through this met up with a man last year. He lives some distance away, is good company, very nice, polite, jolly, fun, caring and pays his own way when we’re out – although he’s not very good looking. He made me feel alive again and has been very thoughtful, buying me nice things – expensive jewellery, for example. And what’s wrong with all that you might ask? Well, he says he loves me and wants us to get married, but I only like him – I can’t love him. It’s just something I can’t take on. He is divorced with two grown-up children. My children have met him and seem to like him, but I could never replace their dad – I’m 73 and we were married for 50 years. What should I do? Should I say yes to his proposal and try to be happy? Life is lonely and passing by fast.
Coleen says
I don’t think you should say yes to marriage because you’re worried about being lonely or think it’s the only option. But, equally, don’t turn him down because you feel it would be disloyal to your late husband. He’s not a replacement husband or father and I’m sure he wouldn’t want to be. I also know that your husband would want you to be happy, so let go of any feelings of guilt you may have. If, deep down, marriage isn’t for you, then just be honest. Tell him you love spending time with him, but you don’t think getting married will ever be for you again because you’ve become used to your own space and your own way of doing things. Explain that what you’re looking for is what you now have together – friendship and wonderful shared experiences. He might say that’s not enough for him and he wants more, but you have to be true to yourself and your reasons for wanting to stay single.