DAUGHTER TAKES ADVANTAGE OF US

Dear Coleen

My daughter is a single mum to two young children after getting divorced 18 months ago. Her ex is hardly ever around to help out with the kids and my daughter works, so we do what we can when it comes to childcare. My wife and I love our grandchildren to bits, but we’re both 70 and are finding the constant round of babysitting, school pick-ups and driving to various clubs totally exhausting. It also leaves little time for doing the things we want to do. How can we talk to her about this without her being upset? She clearly hasn’t thought about the impact on our lives and just expects us to jump at a moment’s notice without a thought that we may have something else on.

Coleen says

I’ve had a lot of letters from grandparents in the same situation. She is taking advantage of your relationship and I’m sure she knows it, but if you don’t say anything then she’ll just carry on as she is at the moment. Look, she probably will be upset and yes, she’s had a rough time, but she needs to understand it’s not something you can sustain, especially as the years go on. And if she were being sensible, she’d realise that and look into alternative options for childcare. The way to approach it is to say that while you’re more than happy to help and you love seeing the kids, you can’t continue at this level. And then the thing to do is come up with a plan that works for you and your wife. Perhaps some of the other mums from school can help with ferrying the kids around. As a mum myself, I know that parents help each other out a lot with that kind of thing and are happy to do it. I’m sure you’ve been a wonderful support to your daughter since her divorce, but now she’s on her feet again, you need to find a plan that works for both you and her.