Boyfriend is lovely but all his mates ignore me
Dear Coleen
I’m a 30-year-old woman and I’ve been dating an older man for the past few months. He’s 44 and divorced with two kids. He’s really handsome and successful. I work front of house at a nice restaurant and that’s how we met. He comes in a lot with his workmates. We just got chatting and he eventually asked me out. We’re not living together yet, but we get on so well and we have talked about me moving into his place. However, we want to plan it properly because of his children, who I get on well with. The only thing that’s spoiling it are his friends. I feel intimidated by them – they’re all high-fliers and most of them went to the same schools so there’s always loads of in-jokes that I get left out of. My boyfriend is so warm and friendly, but his friends seem uninterested in having any kind of conversation with me. I feel excluded and not good enough, but I don’t want him to think I’m being silly by making a huge deal about it. Their girlfriends are the same – I just feel like the odd one out. My own friends think this happens because I’m younger and (so they say) pretty, so they’re probably jealous. But I’m not so sure. Can our relationship survive? It’s such a shame because we’re so compatible and I even like his ex.
Coleen says
Please don’t feel intimidated – your boyfriend chose you because of all your wonderful qualities. But while he’s good at choosing a partner, I’m not so sure about his choice of friends. They just sound rude and, yes, probably a bit jealous. I get why you don’t feel comfortable around them, especially as you’re quite a bit younger and don’t have all those things in common – schools, jobs and so on. But why not explain to your boyfriend how you feel? You don’t need to have a go at his friends, but tell him you struggle to have a conversation with them and it’s no fun. He probably doesn’t realise how you feel and I’m sure he can help you out in those situations or introduce you to other people who don’t exclude you. Maybe you could bring a friend or friends along to the next gathering. Or you can arrange some nights out, so you’re the one in control. But don’t throw away a potentially great relationship because of his friends. It’s a lot easier to widen your circle of friends than find a life partner. Good luck and try to be more confident in yourself.