CARTOON CAPERS
It really was the world’s maddest soap opera at Newcastle.. an absolute farce
AT Newcastle, the Daily Mirror labelled us ‘North-eastenders’ and mocked us all up as characters on Albert Square. That paper went round the dressing room with us all laughing and nodding our heads. It really was like that, the world’s maddest soap opera. There were great days. Champions League qualification, playing in the Nou Camp and San Siro. Finishing fourth, third and fifth in the Premier League. There were also many managerial sackings and fights. Things were going well on the pitch under Sir Bobby, but tension between John Carver and Craig Bellamy had been building over something as stupid as a parking place at the training ground, really important stuff. We got to the airport for a match against Real Mallorca, moved into this sideroom for the players, and for one reason or another, Craig decided he wasn’t going to travel. “F*** the game, f*** the club, f*** John Carver.” He properly started losing it. When he called JC a “Geordie c***” that was it. The next thing, they were wrestling on the floor, rolling over and over and swearing at each other. I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I was close to the action and Craig threw this chair that missed me by nothing – how it didn’t smack me in the face I’ll never know. It was a right commotion but we knew the airport was full of fans and press so we were desperately trying to keep it quiet and not let anybody, especially not Bobby, in the room. Steve Harper and Gary Speed had their hands on the door handle, jamming it closed while Wrestlemania Toon finished on the blue carpet. I suppose the Graeme Souness era at Newcastle is best remembered for a fight between two players during a match. Mad sideshows like Kieron Dyer and Lee Bowyer’s fight didn’t help anybody either. Against Aston Villa at home in April 2005, we really did become the laughing stock of the Premier League. My main memory of it is just seeing this blur of black and white arms throwing haymakers and then seeing Gareth Barry fly in to try to split it up. The whole stadium was just in disbelief. When we got to the bottom of it, it turned out it was over the two of them falling out over passing the ball to each other. Crazy. The whole day had been Sunday League. It was madness. You don’t even see footballers punch opposition players these days so to have two team-mates going for it was ridiculous. Al Shearer was as mad as I’ve ever seen him. “What the f*** was that, what the f*** were you doing?” he was shouting at the two of them. “You’re both a f ****** joke, you’re a disgrace to the club.” Newcastle were making headlines for ridiculous reasons and he was dumbfounded by it all. It was a farce. Two teammates fighting? What next? Football is hard enough when it’s 11 v 11 never mind 11 v 8.
Bowyer and Dyer were still fuming afterwards and would probably have had another fight there and then to sort it out. Souness put it all to bed in no time. “If you two think you can f ****** fight, I’ll show you,” he said. “I’ll take the pair of you on whenever you want. Come on then, if you’re so tough. You two couldn’t fight f ****** anyone.” Then there was Souness and Craig Bellamy falling out pretty much from the start. Souness arrived in September 2004 and Bellamy was wearing Celtic’s colours by the following January which tells its own story about what had gone on between the two of them. Craig was subbed in a match against Charlton in October and he called Souness ‘a f ****** p **** ’ when he walked past him. The following week we were having a meeting and, as expected, it was about to go off between them. Bellamy is opinionated and can get under people’s skin but I think it was more that Graeme wanted to show his strength early on. He called Bellamy out for the abuse and that was it, he was fully into him. “Call me that again and I’ll f ****** knock you out,” he told Craig and he made this big lunge for him, trying to drag him out of his chair. “In the gym now, me and you,” Souness carried on, really up for it. It soon calmed down – but before long Craig was on his way to Scotland and we’d lost a really solid goalscorer and somebody who worked his b ***** ks off every single day.