Are you haunted by the ghost of Christmas past?
IF your festivities have had the spectre of an ex hanging over them, don’t despair. Take our quiz by relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr and you can get over your past to enjoy a happy new year...
Break-ups can haunt people for years. The pain is swept under the carpet and the heartbroken go into denial. But doing that affects your wellbeing in every aspect of your life.
Christmas is also a time where people who feel lonely hanker after their ex. Frequently people send ill-advised Christmas cards, messages and emails – unfortunately with a pleading tone.
Like drunk phone calling in the middle of the night, these are often later regretted, especially if they’re ignored by an ex who’s moved on.
Take this quiz to see just how much you’re haunted by your past love... 1. What happens when people mention your ex? a) My curiosity gets pricked b) My heart goes into meltdown c) I think, “Ho hum, not again” I’ve thought about it/ done it once
Yes, any excuse to go to the area
No, I wouldn’t dream of it 3. Where’s that old photo of you two larking about? a) Somewhere in the attic b) Stashed in my bedside table drawer c) Thrown away ages ago
4. How much do you compare the singles you meet to your ex? a) I do notice similarities b) I compare everything about them c) I don’t compare them
Mainly B: Totally haunted! Your mind is as haunted as the Addams family mansion. The emotional baggage you’ve been left with will definitely affect your wellbeing.
Try these tips:
Christmas and New Year is the perfect time to ‘wash that man (or woman) right out of your hair’ beginning with a new hairstyle or look. Especially if you’re headed to a big do. Beauty counters at department stores offer free make-up trials. Looking different outwardly can help you feel different inwardly.
Beware, though, of too much ‘comfort spending’. One survey 5. Have you and your ex tried to get back together? a) We’ve toyed with the idea/tried once
We’ve had many attempts at getting back together
No, or not for a long time
6. Do friends complain you talk about them too much? a) They’ve made occasional remarks b) Yes, definitely c) No, I don’t give them reason to
7. Where’s that old jumper of theirs you once borrowed and kept? a) Pushed to the back of the wardrobe b) I still wear it/sleep with it c) Used it as a dust cloth
8. How do you handle it when you bump into mutual friends? a) Casually ask after your ex b) Milk them for information c) Never bring them up/ change topics if they do
found it’s common for women to spend £100 or more on a new look, post-break up.
Be strict with yourself and start getting rid of reminders of them. And no stashing away mementos. Selling gifts they gave you on ebay can be empowering. Giving things to charity also feels like a positive decision.
Try ‘thought substitution’ if memories of your ex keep coming to mind – snuggling up last Christmas, New Year’s pledges to love each other forever, etc. Instead, substitute thoughts of them with something good that’s happened recently.
Try the ‘break-up time’ technique I devised. Each day switch off any distractions and spend 15 minutes absolutely focused on your ex and nothing else. Once the time is over, you’re not allowed to think of them the rest of the day. You’ll soon find that you’re a bit bored having to focus on them for 15 whole minutes. 9. Do you daydream about things working out differently? a) Sometimes I do b) Yes, always c) No, what’s past is past
10. How do you feel when you hear ‘your song’? a) I feel tearful b) I feel devastated c) I’m not fazed
11. Do you follow their every move online? a) Sometimes b) Yes, I even have fake profiles following them c) Not interested
12. Imagining them with someone else, what do you think? a) I don’t really like thinking about that b) I hope it’s a big failure c) I wish them luck
Stay away from places where they might be or where you two went together. Discover new places.
Give friends permission to tell you when you become a ‘break-up bore’. Always switch stations if ‘your song’ comes on the radio.
Sign up for a New Year hobby/ evening class he wasn’t interested in. Revel in the fact you’re doing it now. Dump any rose-coloured specs by remembering their annoying habits, rubbish Christmas gifts, etc.
Remind yourself of your good qualities. Focus on these and how you don’t need to rush into dating.
Mainly C: The ghost is gone! Hurrah! No matter what happened in your break-up, you’re moving on. Enjoy the festivities and start some new traditions of your own.
■■ Find Dr Pam on Twitter @Drpamspurr