Best pal wants her racist boyfriend at my wedding
Dear Coleen
My best friend and I are 28 and we have been inseparable since we were at nursery together. I love her so much as a friend and never thought we’d fall out, but her new boyfriend is vile.
My fiance is black and when the four of us went for dinner the other night, her boyfriend kept making racist jibes.
My fiance isn’t the sensitive type and has a sense of humour, so at first he laughed it off. After a while, though, it became clear the guy wasn’t really joking and had a serious problem with my fiance’s skin colour and my boyfriend ended up telling him to watch it.
We left before any trouble started and my friend texted me to apologise the next day. But she’s still with him and wants to bring him as her plus one to our wedding. She genuinely thinks that after the things he said to my future husband she can still bring him to our wedding! What can I do? I don’t want to lose her as a friend and my wedding won’t be the same without her, but I can’t be around that man. Should I talk to her?
Coleen says
Yes, you should absolutely talk to her and explain how you feel. Tell her you really want her to be at your wedding, but you can’t have her boyfriend there under any circumstances.
You’ve known each other all your lives, so it would be sad for her to miss it, but be clear there’s no negotiation. Then the decision is hers.
I think it’ll be kind of letting you know where you stand if she misses the wedding for someone she’s not known very long. And for someone who holds deeply unpleasant views.
She called you to apologise for the things her boyfriend said, so she can’t be under any illusion about his beliefs.
In terms of your friendship going forward, it might not work out with this guy but, if it does, I doubt you’ll carry on being friends. That’s life I’m afraid, but you do move on and find new mates.
There’s no point worrying about what’ll happen in the future – just deal with stuff when it happens and focus on your wedding. And please don’t let what happened spoil things for you and your fiance, whether your friend attends the wedding on her own or chooses to stay away.
You and your fiance will be there, surrounded by the rest of your family and friends.
Have a wonderful time.