Wife slept with four men and I just can’t trust her

Dear Coleen

My wife and I separated five months ago because I was drinking and arriving home late every night, which I sorted out. Now I don’t drink any more.

I moved out and she stayed at home with our three young daughters. I’m 32 and she’s 30.

The first month after our separation she met a guy and told me she wanted to divorce, which I refused. I told her that I didn’t think it was a good idea to rush into such a thing.

She bragged about finding “true love” with this guy, only to find out he was a player.

She started to drink, party a lot and hook up with other men – I don’t know how many, but I definitely know of four men she slept with, two of them without using a condom.

I know this because I asked her to be brutally honest with me if we had any hope of a reconciliation. The thing

It hurts to think of her having sex with other men

is, I get stomach cramps thinking about another guy having sex with my wife. I don’t think I can trust her again, but I do still love her.

For the past few days she’s been calling me a lot, telling me I didn’t have to move out and to come back home. The problem is, I now know she’s capable of these things and that scares me. How do I get past this?

Coleen says

You might not be able to get past it – some people can’t. But, I think to give yourself a fighting chance it would be a very good idea to have relationship counselling. You’ve been through a lot. Your drinking and the breakdown of your marriage, as well as your wife sleeping with other men during the separation.

I think it’s good you’ve both been honest with each other – even though it hurts like hell – because all the cards are on the table and it’s the best position to be in to try rebuilding.

But you also need to look at the reasons why things broke down in the first place in order to rebuild. Did you start drinking and staying out late to avoid going home because you were unhappy?

You have to work out what was wrong before you can start to put it right.

You’re still a young couple with a young family so, if you’re both willing, then it’s worth trying every avenue before throwing in the towel.

You might realise via counselling that you can’t move on with your wife, but you’ll be in a better place to deal with the consequences of that and start to rebuild your life positively.