End culture of vulture funds now
It’s the great pun championship ... but can you guess who won?
THE sale of 20,000 distressed mortgages in the middle of the worst housing crisis in the history of the State is immoral, unjust and should be illegal.
■■I did some comedy at a baking convention recently, instead of shouting out they just threw Eccles.
■■A guy once said to me in the bedroom, “I want you to be rough with me”. So I just did a cockney accent.
■■What did one cloud say to another cloud moving to lower altitudes? You’ll be mist.
■■It’s risky but I love making Chinese food whilst I skate. I know I’m woking on thin ice.
■■I grew up in the basement of a Warburton’s factory. We lived below the breadline.
■■I’ve spent too much on pet birds again. Way over budgie.
■■I went to a swingers’ party – literally wife changing!
■■Every morning at work, I went out and bought eggs and bacon for everyone in my office. I got broke fast.
■■I saw an advert earlier for a new yoga class. £100 a session. I thought: “I can’t
stretch to that.”
■■Recently I invested in an ancient samurai sword, so if times get tough I’ll always have something to fall back on.
■■The Queen thinks a onesie is called a onesie because it’s hers.
■■I love Stormzy’s song “Blinded By Your Grace”, about the Archbishop of Canterbury
■■There’s a sale on at the magic shop. It’s buy wand, get wand free.
■■I’ve just resigned from the Magic Circle... disillusioned.
■■Been asked to perform at a nudist camp next weekend. Can’t do it, got something on.
■■Boy George has opened a zoo. THESE comedians truly are the punniest around.
They were all finalists in the Pun Championships.
The contest took place during the Leicester Comedy Festival, which features more than 600 entertainers over two weeks.
But while fans loved cracking up to the likes of Harry Hill, Griff Rhys Jones and Barry Cryer, it was the pun battle that really had the fans groaning for more.
The finalists have shared some of their favourite puns for us – but who do you think won the wordplay? See the bottom of the page to find out.
■ The festival runs until Feb 25, comedy-festival.co.uk
■■There’s a place for meditation and relaxation that you can only talk about in 140 characters. It’s a yoga retweet.
■■I had a first date on a skating rink so I took my sledge hammer. It’s a good way to break the ice.
■■I met a lion who was
■■Did you hear about the archaeologist’s party where they were looking for lower leg remains? It was a shindig.
■■I wanted to print out an article about being able to regulate my bladder. I found it ironic that I had to press ‘control p’.
■■There was an entrepreneur that made his money swapping his stock in tomato sauces to biscuits. It’s a real ragus to rich
teas story
■■I had a weird habit as a child, I used to sleep with herbs on my face. I don’t think it had a detrimental effect, but I am parsley sighted.
■■My favourite event at the harassment olympics is the 50m breast stroke.
■■I can control a kayak brilliantly, canoe?
■■People ask me why I chose to teach Maths rather than English. I tell them: “Fractions speak louder than verbs.”
■■I bought a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti in Paris. It definitely tastes different with French
letters in. embarrassed because he couldn’t eat any of the other lions. He found it hard to swallow his pride