Daughter and stepmum Don’t get on

Dear Coleen

I have two children aged seven and nine with my ex-husband. He now lives with a new woman, who I don’t particularly get along with. She doesn’t have children of her own and while she gets on OK with my son, who is seven, she seems to really have it in for my daughter, who is nine.

My daughter can be quite challenging but I think that’s because she has found our divorce and new living arrangements harder to cope with than our son. She’s a sensitive girl too and I’ve always got the impression that my ex’s new girlfriend just doesn’t really like her.

Now my daughter is coming home and saying her stepmother hates her, shouts at her a lot and treats her unfairly.

I’ve tried speaking to my ex but he just thinks I have it in for his girlfriend. I feel protective of my daughter and I’ve said she doesn’t have to go any more but she still wants to see her dad. I’m tempted to confront this woman. What do you think?

Coleen says

I think you should be careful. Confront sounds like such an aggressive word and it seems you’re already on a path to a clash with this woman. But you’ve already told me that as her mum, even you can see your daughter can be challenging. You love your daughter unconditionally, but as a stepmum who has taken on somebody else’s child, this woman isn’t going to have that unconditional love and patience.

And if your daughter is challenging, that could be a nightmare for somebody who doesn’t have that bond with her.

So rather than “confronting” this woman, why don’t you invite her round for a coffee and see how you can work together to make a happier home life?

Say to her, “Look, I know she can be challenging. I get it. But how can we help each other and work together?”

I know it’s hard to think of anybody shouting at your daughter. That protective lioness comes out in us all when we hear somebody’s being mean to our child. But don’t let that cloud things. And be very careful what you say in front of your daughter as she may use it to play you and this woman off against each other.

Try to resolve this as amicably as possible for everybody’s sake, but especially your daughter’s.