Can’t stop screaming at kids

Dear Coleen

When I was growing up, my dad had a terrible temper and would rant and rave at my two sisters and me, and our mum.

I always vowed I’d never be like that with my own kids, but very sadly I’m ashamed to say I have started yelling at them.

I have two boys of three and four and they bicker non-stop.

My husband works long hours, so I’m home alone with them a lot. In the last six months I’ve full-on screamed at the boys over things that afterwards seem quite minor. The other night they were arguing in the bath over a toy. I was tired and stressed and I shouted at them so much I felt like leaving the house and driving off. Once I’d calmed down I felt awful and apologised to them.

I’m often in tears after they go to bed as I feel so bad at how I’ve spoken to them. I’m behaving like my dad did, although he never apologised. How can I stop this?

Coleen says

Please stop beating yourself up over this. I don’t think there’s a mum on the planet who won’t read this and wince in recognition. It’s not as if you hit them. You can love your kids, but they can still grate on your nerves. You’re knackered and they’re fighting over something trivial. It’s normal to go mad occasionally. So don’t think you’re a bad mum.

Most parents will relate to this. When my boys were little, I used to go to bed and cry sometimes as I’d screamed at them in the day. I used to think, “I don’t even like them! What kind of mother am I?” I loved my kids to bits, but they can drive you mad.

Some advice I was given was to leave the room, as long as they’re safe, the minute you feel you’ll explode. Take a few deep breaths for a few minutes. Clear your mind and then go back in and firmly tell them to behave.

And you know what? When I used to go quiet, my boys knew they’d pushed me too far and were terrified.